Ok. So I updated with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) last week, that my oldest daughter has not been living with my since the FGC(family group conference). And updates have been made and adjustments have been made to our entitlements. And we have lost $90 per week of entitlements. And due to the stupid choice of spending $195 to try bolt to Nelson last week, we were in -$135 this week. So we had no money for food or petrol. So I had to go to WINZ today and apply for a food grant. I had to explain to the receptionist where the money had gone and why and she was really rude to me and gave me the 3rd degree. But once she had heard my whole story, she wasn’t so rude and said “has the GP checked your hormones and maybe you have some PND(postnatal depression). And that is pretty shocking CMH(community mental health) has not given you any counselling yet”. I said “yes my hormones have been checked and yes, I do have PND, among the list of other things, like severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder and aspects of BPD(borderline personality disorder) And being I was at reception, all the people waiting behind me heard my history too. Thankfully I don’t care what others think. And once I was seen by a case manager there, I had to explain to him about all this as well.

On the plus side, a lady there complimented me on my lovely pink hair colour, as did the case manager. So that’s a plus to a not so great week so far.

Anyway, a food grant was approved, which is great. So we have groceries this week. And the Bluebridge ferry boss agreed to give a refund for the $195. As I explained all the circumstances. Though because it’s a week we pay our loan, even once that refund goes in, we still wouldn’t have had any money for food or petrol.

I did a budget last night, taking into consideration all our bills and we are left with only about $78 for food and petrol per week and that is nowhere near enough. So yeah, this reality is weighing on my mind now.

WINZ suggest my fiance going back to work. Which doesn’t necessarily mean we would be better off. As then we would have to pay for childcare and you only get a subsidy on some of that price, not the full amount, so you are still paying out of your own pocket. And when my fiance was working and we were getting our entitlements from IRD and WINZ for having 3 kids at home, we were struggling.

So yeah, feeling quite anxious and stressed about all this and I don’t know what to do or what can be done.

I know everything is effecting me mentally, as I find myself less focused when driving and my attention is not there like it should be and I’ve nearly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic so many times in the last week, as I just haven’t been paying enough attention and this really concerns me. And I’m clearly so preoccupied with things going on and I didn’t realize til nearly 1pm today, that I hadn’t even eaten yet today. And that’s definitely not good. I had only had a coffee in the morning and that was it. Because I was so preoccupied with the fact I had to go to WINZ and apply for a food grant and had the concerns and worries in the back of my mind about our bad financial position. And I didn’t hear my alarm this morning and missed my appointment with the GP and only woke up 5 minutes after my appointment. And due to how busy that medical centre is, I couldn’t get another appointment til this Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired. Not surprising, with all that’s going on and going around in my head. It’s pretty draining mentally. So I will head to bed now.