So, there was an earthquake on Monday I think it was. It was a 6.2 and centred somewhere up north. It was quite a shake. And me, like usual, froze and didn’t react by moving to somewhere safe, like you are supposed to. I feel like when these things happen, a certain amount of disconnect. Like it’s just a really bad dream and like it’s not really happening. I think, oh it will stop soon. And even when it doesn’t, I continue to not move until my fiancé tells me to. I’m just like, nah, it’ll stop soon, I don’t need to go anywhere. So of course, my vertigo has been a problem since then. Which is always the case for a few weeks after a big shake.

I have been feeling quite easily startled and on edge. And very jumpy. Little noises makes me jump in fright. Which is since the earthquake.

My daughter(the nearly 4 yr old) was stressing me out again tonight. She’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s partly her age and partly attention seeking, knowing I am more stressed. And I nearly had to lock myself outside again. I didn’t feel any desire to hurt her. I just wanted away from the immediate stress.

I keep going over in my mind, how I can self-harm and different methods. I know this is not a good sign.

I still feel somewhat unsupported by my fiancé and yet again disappointed with his family. As they as I thought, have no intention of helping us out with the kids this week. And when my fiancé asked his Mum about them looking after our daughter, his Mum made some excuse about getting used to being back at work again. Which is just that, an excuse. As she only works 3 days a week. They are just being selfish again and putting themselves first. No surprised there! His Mum asked about if my mental health was any better and I told her that it’s not and is in fact worse. Her response “oh, well maybe this will always be how you feel and you just have to get used to it”. Argh! Hate it when people give me that attitude!

My fiancé yet again disrespected me and in front of his mother and her friend, by suggesting he has been the full time parent all this time. And I was like, “excuse me?! That is not true!”.

My cats are still being naughty. One of them pee’d and poo’d in our bedroom today. And I am so over it.

Today I have been feeling distressed again and like I don’t want to be a mother to our baby. And I hate this feeling. And I hate how easily I go from having positive and good feelings towards him, to rejecting him. When will this end?!

I felt like running away again.

I am finding it really upsetting and distressing not having my older daughter living with us and I am finding it really hard that she has been away from me since just after Xmas and I haven’t seen her for weeks. I get distressed, anxious and panicked about this every night before I fall asleep.

My computer has been driving me nuts. As I brought a really awesome graphics card for my fiancés old computer, which is better then my own computer. So I am planning to swap to that. But my hard drive won’t start up in his computer and I have been trying for about 3 days now to resolve this issue. Which I now believe I have worked out. I think it’s an error with my copy of XP. So tomorrow I will format my hard drive and reinstall windows and hopefully this fixes the problem.

You see, I don’t like to pay someone to fix my computer issues. I like to try my hardest to fix things myself. Even if that means seeking advice from IT professionals and googling the issue. As that doesn’t cost a thing 🙂

I am trying to lose weight at the moment. As I am simply over my smaller clothes being stored and not being able to wear them. And I am over being disgusted at my body and shamed. I have been using having a baby and my mental health as excuses not to put in the effort. And when I have lost any weight in the past, I have self-sabotaged it, by eating more and then gaining what I’ve lost. My weight loss is the one thing I can control at least.

I’ve been finding myself quite obsessive about things lately. Fixated by imperfections. Stupid things like, windows that don’t shut properly, my imperfections, household cleanliness, things being in what I consider ‘the right place’, any issues with this house that need fixing and I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of other things. I have been fixated on having dishes done and away in their proper places and hate mess and anything dirty. So when my toddler decides to make a mess in her room, just playing, as toddlers do. It drives me nuts and I can’t handle it and get really annoyed and ‘must’ tidy it. And I’m quite obsessive and particular about where things go. My fiancé thinks that’s quite funny, but of course I don’t.

My fiancé thinks I should try and laugh more. He just doesn’t get that when my mental health is bad, nothing is funny and I have zero sense of humour.

Tonight I felt like going on facebook and posting on my profile how I was feeling at the time. Something along the lines of “nobody in Wellington genuinely cares that I’m not ok, except 1 friend and people I only know through the PND facebook group”. But I couldn’t be bothered getting the tablet or my mobile to log on to facebook and vent. Probably not such a bad thing…

I still feel like there’s something I am forgetting to post about. But yeah, my memory is still failing me and I still can’t remember what it was.

I know as much as, I am sad about not having a father. He died when I was 2 1/2 in a motorbike accident.

I am getting so damn annoyed with people suggesting I go back to work. Why do people not seem to get that I’m not ok and I need therapy first. Or at least some start on therapy and resolving issues.

I am quite stressed about how finances. As being I have told IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) that my oldest daughter no longer lives with us. They have dropped our money by $90 per week. I don’t know how, even if my fiancé goes back to work and we get some subsidy on full time day care for the 2 younger kids, we will afford that.

I am keep stressing about money and need to make a budget. So nothing gets missed out bills wise. I will have to go to WINZ next week and ask for a food grant, as due to my using all the money in our account to try bolt to Nelson the other day, we are down nearly $200.

I have to go to the GP next week and see if they can getting me on the waiting list for getting my tubal ligation(tubes tied) over at Hutt hospital. As I can’t afford to go to Kapiti to the mobile theatre like planned. And also, I can’t handle the stress.

I’ve also been quite paranoid. Like I won’t leave the pegs hanging on the clothesline cause I think someone will steal them and I won’t hang my Ed Hardy clothes on the clothesline, as I am paranoid they’ll get stolen. I know all this is irrational and really no one is going to steal these things. But I can’t seem to convince myself of this fact.

So much going on for me lately. It’s not surprising I want to run away at times.

Hmm, it’s like 1:12am. I think maybe I should go to bed aye.

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