It’s just 7 days to go before we move house. And it seems the closer that date is, the more I find I am struggling with my emotions and mental heath.

I was sitting in the bathroom yesterday morning, crying, panicking, anxious and rocking back and forth. Feeling agitated and shaky. With tears streaming down my face for quite some time.

These intense feelings I so don’t want to deal with. It makes me want to get in the car and disappear til all is done, regarding the house move.

Big changes and my mental health don’t mix well. It’s just such a big, scary thing. I’ve not moved for 3 years and the last time I moved, I was not experiencing bad mental health. So such a big change and move is kind of doing my head in and I so don’t want to deal with the process.

It’s not helpful that my fiancé has not done a thing to help pack or anything regarding moving house and the preparation. Instead he’s either, playing GTA 5 online on the PS3, on the computer or looking after the baby. But in the times when the baby is sleeping, when he could be helping, he’s just thinking about himself clearly and gaming. That annoys the hell out of me! I talked to him about this and his excuse was the baby and the fact he will be doing half the lifting of items into the moving truck on moving day. I was like, “well the baby does sleep and that’s no excuse to leave all the packing and preparation up to me”. How is that fair?! I feel he is being quite selfish and inconsiderate. Newsflash! I suffer from severe depression and get easily distressed and panicked and he knows that. So I’m feeling really unsupported.

It’s so hard lately to keep my emotions in control. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive like this and get through the next 7 days.

I mean moving to a totally different and unfamiliar suburb is scary and a new neighborhood. Definitely way outside of my comfort zone. As you get quite comfortable when you’ve been in the same suburb for over 4 years and I’ve been living in Wellington suburbs for 10 years. And now I’ll be in a totally different part of the lower north island. I’ll be in Wainuiomata, which is in Lower Hutt. Which is a city in itself. But still is in the wider Wellington area.

I’m hoping once the move is all done, that I will feel more at ease.

My sleeping has been quite terrible the last few days too. Sunday night I was having a really unpleasant dream and I’d also taken forever to get to sleep in the first place. The dream involved someone being pregnant and giving birth and for some reason my fiancé and I were there and he helped her give birth. I recall feeling quite disturbed by being part of this. Due to my unresolved issues regarding the trauma of the birth of my last baby. Apparently dreams are your subconscious trying to work through difficult emotions, which are unable to be worked through consciously. So that explains why I often have very lucid dreams, that seem quite real and are often based on this years experiences.

I’m feeling quite tired today. Which I think is a combination of stress, feeling emotionally exhausted and bad sleep.

Advertisements