Wow! It’s almost 2014!

Right, so the last time I posted I was on the ferry to Picton, so I could go to Nelson for a few days. The ferry was delayed by 90 minutes in the end. So I missed the bus I was supposed to catch and ended up stranded at the Bluebridge ferry terminal for several hours. Which didn’t help my anxiety and panic. But I managed to keep it in and not show it outwardly. Though naturally I didn’t get a bit shaky after a few hours and nearly was in tears. It didn’t help that the bus company couldn’t care less. They had my money and didn’t care that I was left stranded. They wouldn’t even give a refund or offer me a free trip the next day. Thankfully Bluebridge cares about people and did everything they could to help me, even though they’d done their part, in getting me to Picton. They ended up getting one of their staff to drive me to Nelson, which I was SO thankful for. It just sucked that I had less time in Nelson due to all that.

I stayed at my younger sister’s place on the Saturday night. Which is in 88 Valley, which is just past Wakefield, in the Nelson area. It was so far out of town that there was no phone or reception on my mobile. And no internet. As the house where my sister lives is an old villa, which is over 100 yrs old. So the lines are too old to be able to connect a landline or internet. And only her mobile which is on a different provider to mine would get reception and mobile data connection in certain parts of her house. But not having internet or phone coverage on my mobile wasn’t such a bad thing. It allows you to chill out more and rest and just be.

A funny thing that happened though, was me getting a tad lost. I went for a walk from my sister’s house, trying to get reception and head into Wakefield. I thought I was going the right way, but after 20 or so minutes of walking, I was starting to consider that maybe I wasn’t. I walked for so long, that the tree line ended and I went from walking on a gravel road to a clay road. Once I got reception I decided to stop wandering. And being I’d had no cell phone coverage til then, a whole bunch of texts came in at once. One from my sister asking where I was. Too which I replied “I think I’m a bit lost”. So she had to come find me and give me a ride back to her place.

Then on Sunday night I stayed at my older sister’s place. It was good to spend some time with my sisters and my niece’s and nephew.

I must have a thing for getting lost lately. As when I got to Picton and was dropped at bus stop, I must’ve gone the wrong way and ended walking all the way through the town centre to the ferry terminal.

Waiting for the boarding call seemed to take ages and I was getting increasingly anxious the longer I waited. I got quite bored on the ferry trip back to Wellington and kept pacing around the various observation decks for a good hour. Seems I did a lot of walking in the last week.

I thought I was doing pretty OK. We found a place to move into and it’s better then where we live now. Where we live now is a 2 storey townhouse with 3 bdrms and it’s a middle one, with each townhouse attached by 3. It has a field, playground and pool and is a private grove, with a speed limit of 5km. But there is 1 person on our street who drives at speed regularly. She’s lucky she has not hit a child! These houses were built in 1979 and ours has had barely any maintenance and no renovations. As our landlord likes to collect the rent, yet not maintain the property. Very frustrating!

The place we are moving to is a 4 bdrm house, with a fully fenced yard, a garage and a heat pump and only $320 per week.

Anyway, as I was saying, we found this place, got accepted and I was doing well. Then the same night, I found myself feeling stressed and panicked. The next day, which was yesterday, we signed the tenancy agreement and all was good, but come evening, I suddenly became really upset and couldn’t stop crying for an hour or so. Then I was finding myself feeling ansty towards my fiancé and feeling like leaving him and just living with my 2 daughter’s. Which of course is not possible, as cyfs say I’m unfit to. I don’t know what it is lately. Maybe it’s because they are males, my fiancé and son. Maybe it’s something that was provoked in me when I had Dylan. I still feel at times like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him and like he’s just a cute baby who lives with me.

I found my moods unstable and disturbing last night. As, even though I wasn’t dealing with Dylan, his whinging provoked distress and stressed me and I felt like I wanted to hurt him, to shut him up. That thought scared me, even if I didn’t ever plan to act on it. I was also feeling enraged and wanting to smash cupboards and doors. I hate it when my mood goes unstable like that. It really concerns and scares me.

I was in tears later yesterday evening, thinking back about those thoughts and feelings.

I feel like, how can I get the therapy I need and work through my issues truly, if in the back of my mind I know my privacy and confidentiality can be breached if a therapist thinks there is a risk to myself or my children. Even if there is no plan to action the concerning thoughts. As one thing I have learned through my dealings with Community Mental Health and Cyfs, is that being honest can be used against you and nothing I say to my Psychiatrist or case manager at CMH(community mental health) can I be assured will be kept private. And this knowledge makes me wonder, how I’m supposed to work through things and get better, through resolving and working through things. I feel like I can’t trust anyone with any of these things anymore. That any mention or thoughts that concern me will be taken as fact and not been seen for what the are, which is thoughts that highlight the fact I have issues that need to be explored and worked through.

I also feel like, if I need any respite in the future, that will be used against me too.

Yeah, so, that’s what going on in my head lately.

One thing I have come to discover about my anxiety is that energy drinks and anxiety are a bad mix. As energy drinks seem to provoke my anxiety. Well all except sugar free Red Bull.

So, currently feeling anxious again. So maybe that was the coke. So maybe I need to avoid that too.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading 🙂