So as I mentioned in my last post, I had a FGC(family group conference) on Thursday.

The decisions were for my oldest daughter to remain with her current carers for another year, with increasing contact with her family and siblings. Working towards her living with her Dad full time, once he’s done some work on equipping him with parenting skills and proving his competence and stability over time. And she will visit my family and I once a week for now and in holidays. Regarding my younger 2. Cyfs(child, youth & family) are willing to give us a second chance, provided we move to Wainuiomata, which is closer to my fiancés family. And for him to be the full time carer and also for him to go back to work. This was the only option that meant we didn’t have the kids taken off us.

I feel disappointed that it’s taken us nearly losing our 2 youngest children, for my fiancés family to step up and offer support. It shouldn’t have taken this to initiate that support. They used excuses like “we didn’t want to over step the boundaries” and “we didn’t know it was this bad”. When in fact they did, but just chose to ignore it and put their needs first.

The meeting was extremely long and really confronting and distressing for me. While my mental health team said I will improve with therapy. As far as Cyfs are concerned, I’m permanently broken and incapable of ever being the full time carer of any of my children and that I’m not to be left alone with them. That is not only insulting and extremely hurtful, but unfair. They are using any failings in my parenting with regards to my oldest daughter, against me and are still putting part of the blame me for her delays. They are using her as an example and as evidence against me, as well as my mental illness. This hurts a lot!

I have come such a long way and improved so much with my mental health and parenting. But they won’t acknowledge that. They think I will relapse. Though like I said in my previous post, if anything was going to provoke that, all this would have. But it hasn’t and I’m still here and improving.

They say if I need some respite, they are happy to offer it. Yet I know if I took up that offer, they would use it against me.

They will review in 6 months how things are going with regards to my oldest daughter and in 3 months they will review how things are going with my youngest 2. If they feel things aren’t working, they will suggest us moving to Nelson. If things are going ok, we will move to Nelson later next year, once my parents have moved back.

I did want to make the move to Nelson, though I was anxious about it. I was still excited and looking forward to being closer to my family. As they are extremely supportive. I only took the Wainuiomata option, because it was the only option that allowed us to keep the children. My older sister who has done so much for us and was willing to take the 2 youngest kids if needed, seems very upset with me for deciding to stay in Wellington. Though I have said sorry and explained my reasons for staying. It wasn’t just my decision, it was my fiancé s too. And he wanted to give it a try here and I can’t make these decisions without him, as they are his children too.

Due to all this, I am quite drained emotionally and needed to get away. So I am going down to Nelson for a few days to see my family.

That’s all for now. I’m on the ferry. Which was supposed to leave 1/2 an hour ago, but hasn’t as yet, due to excess freight holding up the departure.