That’s how I feel about the fact that my oldest daughter isn’t living with me at the moment.


You see, back when I went to hospital last month, I asked her grandparents if they could look after her for a bit.  Which they did on that day and on the weekends.  My older sister came up the day after I went into hospital and my oldest daughter went back home while she was up here helping my fiancé out at home.  But she went back home to her family after a week and my oldest daughter went back to stay with her grandparents. 


At the review, the one while I was staying in hospital at the psych ward, it was suggested, since my fiancé would have to go back to work at some point and also, not knowing how much longer I would be there, a suggestion was made that my oldest daughter go into respite care.  Which would have been with a family she didn’t know.  Being her teacher was aware and kept up to date about all this, she suggested the possibility of her staying with a teacher aide for the respite.  This teacher aide is someone who she knows well and I know well and who is just the most lovely and kind person.  So I was more then happy with this arrangement, as was my daughter.  As this way she still got to stay at her current school.  As at one point my older sister offered to have her come stay down in Nelson with her, but that was going to be too much stress on her family, as she has 3 children herself and my daughter would’ve gone to school in Nelson.  So it all turned out for the best.  As my daughters grandparents were finding it very hard work trying to get her from the other side of town and back twice a day from where they live.


I came home obviously later that week, the week of the review. 


Currently my daughter is still staying with her grandparents on the weekends and they are also encouraging her Dad to spend time with her in that time.  She is from a previous relationship you see.  And she is staying with the teacher aide during the week.  And she will be flying down to Nelson for 1 week of the school holidays which are coming up, to stay with my older sister.  Which will be great, as she hasn’t met my older sisters kids before(her cousins) and my younger sister also lives in Nelson, so she will get to see them.  Only 2 of them she has met, as since I last went down to Nelson, my younger sister has had 2 more children, so she will get to meet them for the first time as well.


My daughter actually is enjoying this whole arrangement so much, she doesn’t seem to miss me at all.  She does see me for a few hours on Fridays though.  And the cheeky girl says she wishes she could stay with her teacher aide forever.  That is because she gets a big double bed to sleep in and gets to play Skylanders on the PS3 with the ladies son.  Of course she would enjoy that!  And she also loves spending time with her grandparents and cousin.  But it makes me a bit sad that she doesn’t miss me.


She did miss me initially, when she was at home, but I wasn’t.  But yeah, she really enjoys her time with her teacher aide.


I miss her so much!  I know it’s all for the best and once I have proven that I can cope well with my 2 youngest, then she will return home. 


I do have moments of feeling really guilty and like a failure, even though in my heart I know I’m not.  And I worry that when she’s older she might resent me for this time away.  It doesn’t help my Mum suggests the same and my Mum makes me feel bad for the fact she is still not living at home.  Mum’s aye?!  They love you and support you, but they can really upset you with some of the things they say.


I do cry a lot about this whole thing and her being away, especially lately and last night I was feeling really distraught about it and in tears for quite some time.


What is extremely hard is that her little sister misses her so much.  And every time she goes back to her grandparents, her little sister wants to follow and tries to go with her.  And it is really hard seeing my little girl so upset.  It tears me apart.


Today was especially hard, as she went out with her sister and her sisters grandparents and her sisters cousin for about an hour this afternoon and once she realized her sister was leaving again, she was crying and so sad and trying to unlock the door so she could go with her.  This was very hard to see.  I gave her a big hug for as long as she needed and ended up having to bribe her with some chocolate to cheer her up.


And yeah, when you have children and one of them is away from you for quite some time, it feels like a piece of you is missing.  Which makes sense, as they do come from you and you had a huge part in creating them.  Plus she is my 1st child and I was a solo Mum to her for nearly 4 years.


I look forward to the time when she is home full time.  I will feel complete again.