Today was going ok mostly. Apart from my 3 1/2 yr old being difficult and cheeky this afternoon. Which made me grumpy, but that’s understandable. But for some reason tonight, just due to the baby not having his usual 4-5 hrs sleep and waking just as I started to relax and have some time for me. I just became overwhelmed and felt desperate and had a cry. Which is where it should have stopped. But instead, I gave into the desire to self-harm again.

I had wanted to self-harm a day after the last episode, but the only reason I didn’t, was because someone was coming over within a matter of minutes that day, so I didn’t have time to action the desire.

My case manager from Community Mental Health asked me, when I admitted to him I had self-harmed, why I had done so. Like, was it to distract from how I was feeling, was it to numb my emotional pain? To which I said “I really don’t know. But it isn’t for either of those reasons”. I said “I don’t know, maybe I just wanted to cut myself and see the blood”. I had no good reason. I’d just felt desperate. And really, I should have just given the Lorazepam time to calm me instead.

My fiancé is still unaware of my recent few times of self-harm. I worry how he would react if he knew. So I dare not tell him. I don’t want him to worry.

Feeling sad right now. Guess I’ll just have a cry and try to sleep.

Here is my poor wrist/arm. Really it’s not too bad. It’s controlled, so there’s never a risk of needing medical attention. Not that it’s any more ok though. 😥

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