I must admit, tonight I was weak and I self harmed.

I’d just had enough of tonight and stress.

So I went to bed early, upset and crying. Took my sleeping tablet and 2 Lorazepam, even though I’m only meant to have 1. Cried for a bit and then got a razor blade. The initial one was too thin and took too much effort to use, so I found a stronger one. Only did minor surface cuts, though one was a little sharper and stung more and that one did bleed more. Then I worry about bleeding too much and my fiancé catching me. So I put a hanky around my cuts and used some first aid cream to sooth it and help heal it.

He came upstairs after I’d done all that and I was able to hide my wounds. He did ask me about the cream. I told him its for dry skin.

He asked why I’d been upset and I told him and mentioned how sometimes I feel like taking more pills then I should in an effort to just sleep. He said that kind of thing makes him concerned at work. Though I reassured him it’s not about suicide, it’s simply desperation to sleep.

I hope he doesn’t see the marks I made tonight with the razor. I don’t really know why I did it. I just gave into those thoughts instead of ignoring them. Really though, I should’ve just given the Lorazepam time to calm me down, instead of acting on desperation.

Today had been going pretty well. But my toddler starting acting up later in the day, so I started becoming stressed. Though mostly today was ok. Yesterday not so much. I had to text my fiancé at work and get him home early. As I just couldn’t cope. Plus I was lacking sleep and having the hardest time getting bubs to sleep. I took 2 Tramadol to try aid some sleep, but then I had an appointment with the home help. So didn’t get that sleep. Just ended up feeling really ill a few hours later and being pretty sick.

Right, pretty tired now. Guessing the sleeping tablet and Lorazepam are working. Good Night