It seems to go like this, coping…coping…few bumps in the road, not coping so well, coping somewhat, trying to stay strong and pushing through it, not coping.

So, at times I can cope through the bad weeks health and pregnancy wise and deal with tantrums and nagging from my kids. But every now and then, I just reach my limit and have more of an issue with coping with that which is my everyday life.

For me, that was yesterday. I was just over it by the afternoon. Between my 3 yr old screaming from the car, to my older daughters school and then all the way back to the car again and the glances of either parents or children, as my 3 yr old proceeded in having a very loud meltdown. And then at home the insistent nagging from my nearly 10 yr old for the majority of the next 2 hrs. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. That feeling crept in again, of just wanting to escape that which is my life, for a bit. To clarify, not in a suicidal way. Just in a, I’m desperate for a break way.

It wasn’t helped particularly by the fact my older daughter said she wished she had nicer parents. And me in my over it, not coping mind reacted by saying things like “fine, go find someone else to live with. Go tell someone who cares. Go tell CYFS and have them take you off me, since apparently I’m such a bad parent”. Though I know she doesn’t truly want any of that to happen. She said she just doesn’t like it when I’m so angry. And I explained to her, that if she didn’t ignore my responses and keep nagging/asking me for things I have said no to more times then I can count, then yes, eventually I will have had enough and yes, I will get angry. So if she wants to avoid this, she needs to listen and stop nagging, as the answer will not change.

I hate how I get in such aggro moods. I mean, shit, she was annoying me again that evening and I wanted to throw the remote at her. Glad I didn’t though and then I start feeling ultra crap for wanting to do that.

The only thing I can seem to do lately to have some ‘ME’ time is have a long bath and then it’s back to reality.

Today, I thought I was doing ok. Then came the struggles with my 3 yr old again. We get back to the car, she tells me she doesn’t want to get in the seat. Too bad, that’s non-negotiable and of course I put her in and have to fight against her to get the straps on and done up. So that was stressful enough. So we leave and she screams all the way to the supermarket. I decide to put her in the stroller, much to her dislike, as I needed to get a few things and being 32 wks pregnant, I’m not so into chasing her around the supermarket while trying to get what I needed. So, the whole way around the supermarket, she is screaming her head off and yelling “I want to get out” and typical insensitive people turn around and stare. I ignore this the best I can and just try and zone out and get through the supermarket. Then this 1 women, starts making snide comments and walks past me and still within ear shot, makes some comment and I just react and say “shut the fuck up bitch”, not that she heard me and no-one else heard me thankfully. But I’ll be honest, I kind of wished I could kick this women in the shins. It’s just, it bothered me even more, that this women was a Mum and that she was so insensitive and had such of lack of compassion, considering I am quite obviously very pregnant and not having the best time, with a screaming toddler. I get back to the car eventually and my 3 yr old tells me she’s not getting in the car. So of course, more of a struggle trying to strap her in, while she fully resists. I slam the car door out of frustration. Put the stroller in the boot and get into car and my older daughter flinches, which pushed my buttons and I was like “really?!” As I thought she was doing that because she thought I was going to hit her or something. I told her why I was angry about that and she said that she thought I was going to slam the door again. I said to her “well I didn’t. But isn’t it better I hurt the car then a person”. Anyway, I pull out of the car park and drive onto the street and this lovely person(sarcasm by the way) decides they just won’t give way to me at all. I beep the horn hard out at her and give her the middle finger and she looks at me like she’s done nothing wrong! Yeah, that doesn’t help my mood much obviously. By the time I’m down the road a bit I’ve just got to that point where I am very over everything. Just not coping, wanting to drive the car into something solid or just go find a knife and harm myself. Thankfully those moments pass before I actually act on them. So I end up going from that to sobbing.

This parenting and it’s challenges and being pregnant, as well as having mental health issues on and off, is very draining. I so wish I didn’t suffer from mental illness. It’s so hard to cope with life at times, when you have mental health to contend with.

Like I’m an optimistic and hopeful person generally. But mental illness has a way of wearing you down at times and things just feel so hopeless. I’m over this burden.

I know things will improve again at some point. But it’s very exhausting. With being pregnant, feeling isolated and pregnancy complications, as well as the challenges of parenting, it’s understandable I guess that I get like this. But damn, so over it for now.

I have these moments, like yesterday and today, where I really wish I could just have my baby already. Even if that means he’d be in hospital for a bit. Then I feel selfish for thinking that. I’m just over the complications and how much harder everything is to deal with, with the strain on my body, emotions and mental health.

Man, I find myself stressing out over the silliest things. Like the fact I only have 1 maternity bra that fits and no fruit to eat.

I’ve been feeling isolated again. It seems my friends just don’t have an interest in hanging out. They seem to be quite good at keeping themselves busy. All I can do is try find opportunities to make more friends, so I have more options. But forming friendships takes time. As you will know, I don’t like feeling isolated. And I hate it when I feel I can not do a thing to change this.

So the words of the day, or the last 2 days is quite clearly “over it”.

Sometimes when I write with such honestly, I do find myself wondering how other people perceive me and wonder if they judge me or accept me. Whether they ‘get it’ or think I’m a bad parent. But, I still choose to be real and transparent and honest, despite what reaction or judgement that might cause. As I know, many people put up a false facade about parenting and often won’t admit to the very real feelings that accompany the challenges of parenting. As, who wants to be judged? As this world quite clearly is a place of quite severe judgement at times. So it’s not surprising people want to hide the real feelings. But hopefully, with time, this world will become a more accepting and tolerant place.

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