My emotions are right here, surfacing and I’m feeling them right now. Sadness I think is the main one.

This happened due to dropping my daughter off to Kindy(pre-school) and her not wanting me to leave. I tried distracting her, that didn’t work. I told her I needed to go to drop her sister to school and she clings to me and wants me to hold her, which I do. I keep reminding her, I do need to go to drop her sister to school, but she clings even more and gets upset at the idea of me leaving. The teacher encourages me to let her take her and that leaving is a good thing and she will settle down. So teacher takes her, but she continues to cling on to my hands. I find that all quite distressing, as I’m sure my daughter does. So I leave, with my daughter crying and arms outstretched, looking extremely upset and distressed that I’m leaving. This doesn’t make things any easier and as I get to the gate, I still see her with the teacher, looking upset and that’s hard to watch. I get in the car and cry pretty much the whole way home. I know I’m not a bad Mum and I shouldn’t feel guilty. But it’s hard to leave your child when they are upset like that.

So yeah, I am feeling quite down at the moment. Even though the Kindy called and let me know she’s calmed down and settled.

I just don’t enjoy this stress. I have wanted several times since she started Kindy a few weeks back, to just give up on the whole Kindy thing. But I do somewhat worry about the judgment from others if I did that. And I feel like some professionals, like the Mental Health Support worker and Psychologist I am due to start seeing, will see it as a step backwards. Part of it I think is, the fact that she’s at Kindy in a different suburb. So it’s harder for me, her being further away. Like, if she was at Kindy in the suburb I live in, I don’t think I’d be so bothered by everything. Her Kindy is about 10 minutes drive away or just under. Whereas, if she was at Kindy in my suburb, that about 3 minutes drive, if that. But unfortunately the waiting list is quite long and she won’t likely be able to start there til October.

I just can’t handle things that cause me to feel distressed at the moment. I don’t handle it too well when my daughter is packing a major tantrum about being in her car seat, insisting she needs to get out, for various reasons. It’s like at least a once a day stress, sometimes more. And it’s generally at times of day when I’m quite drained and I get overwhelmed quite easily. I know she’s just a toddler being a toddler. It’s just distressing and distracting listening to that while you are trying to drive.

Honestly, if Kindy wasn’t a good thing for her, I’d have taken her out already. Once she is settled, she does enjoy being there. But I don’t know, lately she seems to be happy to leave. Whereas, when she started, she was enjoying it so much, that she didn’t want to leave. And like, yeah, it does give me some time out. But I am not used to having this change in routine and this change in routine does cause more stress to be honest. I kind of feel selfish for not wanting to send her to Kindy and keep her home with me. I’m not ready for this change yet. But yeah, like I said before, I think I find it harder, because she is further away. I’d feel much better if she was closer. I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out currently. I need to calm myself down.

I am also feeling lately, quite lonely and isolated. I feel like my friends don’t have time for me at the moment. My best friend though, I know she can’t be there at the moment, as she’s making a lot of changes and is quite busy and I am totally fine with the fact she’s unavailable. As I know what she is doing is for the best and will be a positive thing for her long term and I support that. It’s just everyone else who is supposed to be a friend, isn’t there for me at the moment. And yeah, it’s getting me down. Yes it’s good I have this blog to vent, but it’s not quite the same as seeing a friend in person and having a good chat. It’s an outlet, which is better then nothing, but yeah, I do feel lonely.

On a few positive notes though. I got a free 3 seater sofa bed off a site called Freecycle. It’s a site for people either wanting or offering stuff they no longer want for free. So it’s great having a bigger couch, as the one I had was a 2 seater and half the springs were broken. And, I got a queen size slat bed frame for $20 on Trade Me. Which is awesome, as our’s is broken and we couldn’t afford to buy a new one. And that price is damn awesome too, as most of the similar one’s, as this one is timber, were from about $200+. So that is 2 solutions to 2 problems fixed. Oh and got my youngest some new shoes from Pumpkin Patch on special for $10, which is awesome, as she only had 1 pair. I’m glad I went in there, or else it would’ve been about $60 potentially from a sports shop. And I only had $10 to spend, so yay! And I have brought some sports shoes for my oldest on Trade Me for $25. They are a good brand and hardly any wear, so I didn’t mind them costing $25. As brand new shoes would be $60 and we are pretty poor. Little did I know before going to the shoe shop, her feet had grown mysteriously by like 2 sizes! As last time I got her shoes, her feet were a size 1 and now they are a size 3. When did that happen?! Oh and the youngest, her feet must’ve done similar, as last time I checked, she was a size 9 and now she’s a size 10. LOL! Such a Mum thing to be happy about. Children, they just grow and grow and it just creeps up on you. At least at their age though, things generally last about a year. I know with babies, clothes seem to go in 3 month lots, making the first year quite pricey.

On the baby front, I am quite organized I think. I have sizes: NB(newborn) and 0-3 months sorted. I have I think all I need for baby sorted. I have bassinet, cot and bedding, clothes, bath, breast pump, sterilizer, bottles(for when baby is older, as I plan to breastfeed), swaddle wraps(like Ergo Cocoon, Mum2Mum Swaddle & Miracle Blanket), those one’s make the swaddling process easier, rocker/bouncinette, play gyms, baby toys, bath toys, front pack, double kit for Phil & Ted’s E3 stroller and cocoon for stroller, capsule(baby car seat), nursing pads, nappies, cot mobile and will be borrowing a wrap(a more ergonomic baby carrier) Now, if I can just get my fiance to at least agree on some name choices. Like I know I still have about 13 weeks left, but I don’t want to end up like a few people, who have baby and the baby is nameless for some time. I like to have a name in mind before baby arrives.

On the pregnancy discomfort side of things, some areas are a bit better. As I went to the physiotherapist at the hospital and she gave me a support band and support belt. So that relieves at least some of my sciatic pain. And I can do free Hypnotherapy classes from 28 weeks for free, for pregnant women. Which I like for 2 reasons, 1. I love the water and it’s really nice to feel a relief from pregnancy aches and pain and 2. I can meet some other pregnant Mum’s to be. As we’re not doing antenatal classes this time, so I don’t get to connect with other Mum’s to be in that way. I have also signed up for a Mothers Network support group, which runs for 6 weeks, every Tuesday night. So that should be good. I’m looking forward to that, it starts tomorrow night.

I’m sitting here ignoring the stack of dishes. As I don’t own a dishwasher and I kind of get a bit over being the only person who does the housework. So either, I will find motivation to do them tomorrow or not. So over dishes!

Ok, I think that is enough venting and so on for today. I will go waste some time on Facebook now.