No significance to that date. I’m just not big on ideas for a title LOL!

I’m doing ok. Though today feeling a bit low and no motivation.

It gets like that when I’ve not managed to socialize for a bit. But it’s fine, as I know I will get to hang out with at least 1 friend next week.

Next week I have the odd few things happening. Monday 18th, have a midwife appointment. Yay! Always enjoy them, as my midwife is awesome and I love getting to hearing babies heartbeat. Tuesday 19th is my birthday, I’ll be 34. Also have an appointment with the lady at Community Mental Health. Wednesday 20th, Marmite is back! And well, I and many others are damn happy about that! And 21st I have my 20 week scan and FINALLY will get to find out whether I am having a boy or girl! So impatiently waiting for that!

So, it seems Community Mental Health have decided to step up and not just try and fob me off and medicate me. As that was their initial plan. But being I’m pregnant and prone to getting quite sick with medication, they have decided against that. And instead are just going to work with me on helping to find strategies to cope with my lows. Which is good.

Feeling better about pregnancy. I’m now 19 weeks. And usually feel movements from baby a few times a day. Which definitely helps with things.

Knowing I am able to access some support from the mental health sector is making me feel more hopeful about coping once baby is here.

Community Mental Health did make a referral to CYFS(child, youth & family) as a result of me telling them a month or so back, that I felt overwhelmed and smacked my toddler on the leg a couple of times. Yes I did think a referral over that was a bit over the top. But I understand their reasons. Reasons being, I was not coping and they wanted me to get any help and support early, so it doesn’t escalate. Which is fair enough.

Like I have explained to them and CYFS when they visited. The getting to that point of not coping, was a result and lacking proper sleep, being sick regularly and not keeping food down. All this amounting to, low energy and lacking good nutrition and causing me to not cope, as I was on edge, due to being so unwell. I also told them, I did say sorry to my toddler and explain to her, that’s it’s not a nice thing Mummy did and Mummy shouldn’t have done that and I was very sorry I had hurt her and upset her. As soon as I had done it, I went from the angry feelings, to instantly balling my eyes out and feeling like utter crap. As I don’t want to be that person and I don’t like that I was not coping and I smacked her.

I am glad the law got put in place about smacking being illegal. As it discourages you from feeling the desire to do that and think before you act. Well it does for me. Knowing there is a law that says it’s not ok, makes me feel on occasion when I have smacked, that it is not ok and not something I should be doing.

These days, with all the hormones and emotions, I tend to go from anger to crying uncontrollably. Which is better then smacking either of my children I figure.

I remember the CYFS person asking me, do I feel isolated. To which I answered yes, though I try my best to get out there and not isolate myself, but also, I can’t control if my friends are unavailable.

It’s hard, as I try my best not to isolate myself and I practice self-care as much as possible, in hopes of avoiding depressive periods too often. But I can’t control other people and the fact they are not always available. So when this happens, it is hard and sometimes as a result, yeah, I do feel less motivated and do somewhat isolate myself. Like this week, I wanted to go a few places yesterday, but was sick of leaving the house without a friend or another adult with me. So I just stayed home nearly all day and only went out once to the supermarket and the warehouse.

These pregnancy emotions…they make me so emotional! I was reading someone’s post about their PND and was nearly crying. 1. Because I hate that they are feeling that way. 2. Because I so get how they feel and it sucks others have to feel like that too.

And writing about my emotions nearly brings me to tears too. As do nice gestures. Like someone offering me some free maternity clothes or to take me to the movies.

I guess I’m kind of not used to people doing kind things for me. I’m used to being the giver, not the receiver.

Oh man, now I’m nearly crying again.

I’m trying not feel bothered too much about everything expanding. I guess the fact I weigh only 1kg more then I did at the start of my pregnancy with my youngest, is something to be happy about. It’s just hard to look in the mirror and see the fat on my thighs and butt and my arms getting bigger. I can accept the bigger belly. It’s just hard dealing with the changes pregnancy cause. And knowing I have to lose all that weight again. But I know it can be done at least. As I did lose it all eventually the last time. Just took 18 months.

One cute thing with this baby, is it likes jelly. Which suits me, as so do I. Loves to wiggle around when I’m eating jelly.

Oh and here is a picture on my baby bump, from last week. It’s at 18 weeks.

18 weeks