So, as you might have guessed, among other things, my post is about stress, parenting and so on.

Today I have been feeling really stressed. As have I a fair few times in these ultra long school holidays. I think these holidays are about 6 wks.

How other parents manage to cope, as in the one’s who do have their kids with them full time during the holidays and don’t get a break, I fail to understand.

As I don’t!

I do at points in the holidays. Like, at first I enjoy the lack of structure and routine and not having to worry about school drop off and pick up. But eventually, with the length of these holidays, I do start coming undone. I unfortunately always do. It’s a reoccurring theme with these particular holidays. Every year, without a doubt, I end up not coping.

There was at least 1 week so far, where I just was not coping the whole week. Though thankfully I managed better the next week.

This week, the coping has been on and off. Today being one of the off days.

My older daughter just nags and nags and questions me and my authority and that wears me down. And then my toddler, who is 3 next month, she has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way or when she is getting over everything, due to needing a nap. That’s a sure sign of her needing a nap, the meltdowns and losing it over everything.

I also get stressed with regards to my oldest daughter playing outside on her bike and sometimes her scooter, due to the speed limit down my street, which is I guess cul-de-sac like and has speed bumps, being 5km and some of the arrogant people who live down here or visit, not sticking to that speed. As, kids play out there on their bikes and scooters and it’s a very family orientated street. Thus, the very low speed limit and speed bumps.

What makes it worse is, 2 of the people who live down here and go over that speed, they have kids! That angers and concerns me. It almost seems like, they don’t care about anyone else and think it’s ok to drive like that, cause their kids are safe in their car.

So, some days, while my 9 yr old is outside, I worry, worry, worry and sometimes won’t let her bike outside due to my fear and worry. And it doesn’t help when she ignores the rules and goes down the unsafer end of the street.

Some of my meltdown today started, because my toddler was clearly getting tired, was nagging me and I was trying to get ingredients mixed and sorted to bake a cake and in this stress, I did it the wrong way around, but thankfully realized this and saved it from disaster.

Anyway, after that was sorted. I proceeded to take her shoes off, for bed, she resisted and struggled, same with the hat. And then I had to carry her upstairs with her struggling all the way and wriggling out of my grip by the top of the stairs. She resisted the whole time. She was losing it and I was losing it. And I’ll admit I did smack her on the legs. All after screaming my lungs out about not coping and balling my eyes out as well.

She was crying, I was crying. It was a big mess.

Got her in to bed thankfully. But I think she complied because I’d scared and/or worried her with my behaviour.

I think all this meltdown and stress comes down to a few things.

I’m really lonely. No-one visits and no-one invites me to visit. And those who wouldn’t mind me visiting, live to far for me to be able to manage or afford to visit.

It’s pretty bad how distant some of my friends have become. As in, I have only seen 3 friends in about 2 1/2 months. And I do try and make contact and encourage some socializing, but it seems some of them just can’t be bothered. Which is not particularly healthy for them either.

I struggle with a lack of support. I understand on my older daughters grandparents side, they have work and a few grand kids to spread themselves around. Though they do try see her a few times a month. Still a total lack of support on my youngest daughters side of the family. And I really need some time out from them both. And that shouldn’t mean, having to leave them with my fiance. As he deserves to have time out too.

I am struggling with knowing we will have extra financial stress coming up soon. That, firstly in the way of rent increase, which is quite significant. $35 extra per week, which calculates to $70 more a fortnight and $140 more per month. And on one income, that is not great. But also, we can’t really afford to move. And of course at some point we will have to buy baby stuff.

Also been getting stressed due to having some odd bleeding, which thankfully is nothing to worry about and my cervix prolapsing. But before knowing all that was harmless, it caused me to worry and stress. As you worry about bleeding in pregnancy and fear the worst. But no, all is good with baby. Have had scans to confirm that.

I must admit, I am still hurting over the whole being kicked out of that Anxiety Group I was in. Still makes my head spin, all that was said and how very untrue it all was and inaccurate. I have never been so hurt by words in my life. As it’s one thing when people are saying nasty stuff at school, cause they have issues. As you can get over that as you mature, as you realize they have the issues, not you. But when adults are saying stuff about you and your character which they believe is true, but it just isn’t, that hurts a whole lot.

Yeah, I may be self-assured for the most part, but I am still vulnerable, emotional and I do care what some people think and I am able to get hurt.

I have found the community mental health team of no help. They keep asking how they can help me and what I expect from them and I don’t know what I can access and what they can help with. So I have trouble answering that, past, I would like to feel supported and access any practical help they can offer. They tell me, that’s not specific enough. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what services they offer or can offer. All I know is, I had an assessment and based on that day and not on my answers in the questionnaire, which honestly rated my depression as severe, they deemed me stable and said they could offer me 1 appointment to look at medication options.

Gah! How sick I am of people trying to just medicate mentally ill people and not treat the cause and not offer support! Stop taking the easy way out! That is NOT how you fix people or support them!

Anyway, that is all. Might go ice the cake.