I was thinking on this subject especially on the weekend. Due to how I was feeling within my relationship and was considering how depression effects relationships or maybe just mental illness in general.

So, pretty much, I was rather down and exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Due to getting sick(I have the flu now) and it’s toll on my energy as well as mental health. I find getting sick has a follow on effect with me of my mental health declining soon after. Which makes sense really. As when you are not feeling 100% everything becomes a chore and your tolerance for everything goes down, big time.

Anyway. I was feeling very unsupported by my fiance and was over getting no help when I needed it, with what I needed help with. Being housework. As I do ask him, when I am unwell, if he can just help me with at least 1 household chore. And in saying that, I try and be easy on him and don’t ask too much. As in, just doing half of the dishes. Like if one of us wash them, the other can dry. And I think this is not much to ask and it’s not a big task. But yeah, still he won’t help. No matter how I explain about my lack of energy, due to being sick and lack of motivation. Does he show me any compassion or sympathy? No he doesn’t.

It’s funny how he won’t acknowledge all the housework I do or anything I do. Yet he gets pissed off if it’s not done and has a whinge.

I feel that he manipulates/plays on my emotions. As he knows I love him and I care about him and his opinion and I feel he plays on this fact.

It all just got a bit much for me on the weekend.

What happened was, my older daughter(from a previous relationship), her Dad wanted to see her and that’s fine. But I had told my fiance I wouldn’t be going anywhere else during the weekend on Friday. As I went to the latest Twilight movie and to try make him feel less sulky about that, I assured him I had no plans to go anywhere during the weekend. But, I didn’t know til Saturday, that my daughters Dad wanted to see her. So when he asked to see her, I arranged that with him. My fiance then got in a foul mood due to this. And I explained to him, that I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, but this has come up and I’m not going to deny my daughter the chance to see her Dad. And he was like, “well what if we had plans? I bet you wouldn’t have said no to him and would’ve canceled our plans”. And I reassured him that, no, if we had plans already, I would not have taken my daughter to see her Dad.

So, I left to take her to see her Dad and my fiance wouldn’t even acknowledge me and wouldn’t even give me a kiss before I left and just looked pretty pissed off.

This resulted in my pretty much crying most of the way to my daughters Dad’s house and I was quite an emotional wreck by the time I got there. Thankfully, he himself struggles with mental health issues too and we know each other quite well and he was sympathetic and compassionate.

So we all had a nice time out Ten Pin Bowling and it was nice to vent to my daughters Dad and feel heard and understood.

I got home and told my fiance how I was feeling. Which was, that I feel unsupported, I feel I don’t get enough affection, I feel like, I can’t leave the house without him being annoyed at me for leaving and how this is not good for my mental health, as I do need time away and that, I end up therefore, due to his lack of support, staying out for longer, as I dread coming home to him in a mood. I also told him, I don’t feel appreciated at all for all that I do during the week, with looking after the kids and doing the housework and just once, it would be great to just have some acknowledgement in that area. His response was “I’m not that kind of person. I don’t say things like good job or well done” and I said, “well that’s no excuse. I at least acknowledge everything you do and to have some acknowledgement in return would help me not feel so unsupported and unappreciated and therefore, less anti you”. I also went on to say, that it should not be my problem that he has no social life and therefore is jealous that I get to go out and do things and I do have to get out and see others, for the sake of my mental health, as, if I don’t, my mental health declines. I feel like, he punishes me, with his sulking, due to him not having friends. But really, I am my own person, I am in charge of me and that is really his problem and should not be put on me and I should not be made to feel guilt for having friends and some social interaction. I feel like, I have to spend as much time at home as possible, to keep him happy and this often ends up making me isolated and therefore makes my mental health decline. I explained to him, the lack of affection is really hard for me. As it shows me he cares and when I’m clearly upset and he can see that, it would be really comforting if he could hug me. That, I shouldn’t have to get hugs from other people, who I don’t even know that well.

So, he didn’t respond at all. He just sat there and said not a thing. I said that pretty much, that makes me feel like you don’t care about me or our relationship and maybe I should just leave. As his behaviour is making me want to push him away and that I don’t want to despise him, but it’s heading that way.

Still, no response. So, me being me, was not willing to drop it. So I just followed him over to the computer and insisted he give me a response.

He gave me plenty of excuses and said he felt like I have this whole other family(with my daughter and her Dad) when I go hang out with them for several hours. Anyway, things seem better at the moment.

But it makes it really apparent how important support is. Especially by your partner, when you have mental illness or just even if you don’t.

I often feel angry at him. For all the time he spends on his computer, with headphones on, ignoring his surroundings. It is very hard having a gamer for a partner/fiance/husband. I sympathize with any women who has to deal with this and I know I am not alone in this frustration.

But, he is a great Dad to our daughter. Just lacks interest and compassion towards my older daughter. Which I don’t like at all. Which was another thing I mentioned in my talk to him the other day.

See, I was very kind about my talk with him the other day. I made sure I did not raise my voice, did not get angry, did not attack him with words, did not say anything insulting. So I felt quite frustrated that I still got no response for about 45 minutes. As I was very controlled. Seems with him, no approach works any better then another. I used I feel statements and made sure I wasn’t using blaming words.

So, yeah, been crying a fair bit over the weekend. Well actually, been crying a lot lately in general.

But, at least on a different positive. I’m 1 kg away from my goal weight. Which is 55 kgs. So, currently 56 kgs.

It’s taken ages to get below 57-58 kgs. But finally, I am getting there.

That song “Don’t you worry child” by Swedish House Mafia, though, makes me cry nearly every time I hear it. Not sure why. But it’s in my “Emotions Playlist”. Which is pretty much a playlist of any song that evokes emotion in me. I feel it’s quite good to feel emotions. So I do listen to it quite a bit lately.

Ok, think that’s all I have to say. Thankx for reading.

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