Why oh why, does my depression fool me into thinking it’s improving and then, bam, the next day it’s back with a vengeance!

Sunday, was doing well.

Monday, was falling apart.

But that was due to it being the 32nd anniversary of my Dad’s death. Though my downward spiral mental health wise made it an even harder day I feel.

I was on the edge of tears all day yesterday. If not in tears.

My sleep has been pretty crap for a while and I think this is a contributing factor too and I feel stress is contributing to that. It’s not the getting to sleep that is so much of an issue, as Lavender Oil helps with that, it’s the staying asleep. I wake several times a night and take ages, sometimes an hour to get back to sleep and it’s not even like my mind is ticking over, it’s just being awake and not being able to just get back to sleep. And the end result, waking up tired every day and feeling like I need more sleep and suffering through out the day with the subsequent fatigue.

I have invested in some ‘Clinicians REM sleep’ tablets though. Though they weren’t cheap! I am hoping they help.

I feel, this long cycle of depression could’ve been avoided if I had managed to get an appointment with Community Mental Health sooner. I don’t have that appointment til the 29th of November.

I feel like I have been screaming out for help for over 6 months at various health professionals and just not been heard. And I always go when I am at my worst(though I should probably go before that) and still, seems like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel pretty frustrated at the length of time this appointment has taken to get. I do not like suffering for long periods like this. It’s very draining and hard to snap out of.

I feel this lack of support and help has been some of the reason behind why I have been having such an extended period of depression. As usually, it’s 2-3 weeks. Though like I think I said in an earlier thread, I have had a long period of depression of this length one other time this year.

So over it aye.

I was so stressed by my lovely toddler today, due to her continually running off at the supermarket this afternoon. I wanted to go back to the car and literally pull my hair out. I just wanted to bloody scream!

I had started off so well this morning I had thought.

I spent the whole time at home, before I had to go pick up my older daughter from school, just hanging out with her, trying to find ways to get her to comply, with no stress and it WAS working.

So I thought, cool, I’ve got it sorted.

I even let her have the freedom to go into a few shops without putting her in the pram and that went ok.

But after school, it all changed.

She wouldn’t go in the pram, so I had to hold her down to strap her in. She screamed the whole walk from the car to the classroom and continued while I waited for my older daughter and kept it up all the way back to the car. Get back to the car and she won’t get in her car seat. So I was like, well, stuff it, I give up and sat in the back seat til she was ready to comply. Which worked via bribe. As I had something she wanted.

So yeah, pretty drained today.

I’m hoping better sleep will help things a little or significantly.

And off in a completely different tangent, here’s just a few words on honesty.

I think my honesty does make people unsure what to think of me. But hey. I am me and that’s just how I roll.

Being so honest, it does of course upset me when people don’t take my word for things and don’t think I’m being truthful. As honesty is a big strength of mine.

…well, I dunno if everyone likes that strength, but hey.

Could be worse, I could be a compulsive liar.

Quite glad I’m honest. But never honest in a negative way.

Ok, getting tired now and hoping I did a good job of proofreading. As sometimes I think I have and come back, re-read my blog and see more mistakes.