This week, I am most definitely over the school holidays. My threshold for dealing with both children is not very high. And when boredom sets in for my older girl, well that makes my days particularly unpleasant. I wish I knew why I find school holidays so stress-inducing. I mean for goodness sake, they are only 2 wks long! It’s not like the December ones, which are in my opinion, way too long.

I’m feeling quite down this week and I really have no idea why. But then again if I delve into the possibilities of why I’m sure I’ll find a reason. And I’m thinking some of it is lack of social contact, tiredness and hormones adjusting.

I am feeling sad that so far this week, no-one has attempted to contact me. I seem to be the one putting in the effort. And that tends to lack on my end when I’m feeling down. Though I have been trying.

Sometimes I think it’s me being slack with contact. But now I think about it, I think I slack off in response to no contact from friends. As it’s kind of de-motivating not having people contact you. And yeah, you do just give up on putting in too much effort. Though it’s not like this all the time, just this week it seems to have been the case.

I get that people have their own lives and get busy sometimes. It’s just, too much time alone and out of touch with others and I isolate.

Wish there was someone available to hang out with. I’m sure there is, but I’m too over everything to put in the effort. And I’m sure that doesn’t help any.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I just was not coping for some reason. My toddler just won’t listen to me when it comes to being nice to the kittens and I end up yelling and stressed out. And as a response I went around kicking a few walls and doors. With the intention of putting holes in them. And yeah I seem to have put a decent dent in at least one. I know it’s not good to act on anger like that. But it kind of feels good. And I figure, at least I’m not taking it out of the kids or hurting them. It’s a release, even if it’s not positive.

Ok, so right now I am sitting here writing and bawling my little eyes out.

What’s frustrating is, I have reached out to my doctor regarding trying to find some anti-depressant that is suitable and nothing has happened. It’s been 2 wks! It’s not cool. I am friggen important too, as is my mental health and I can’t afford to go into the doctor and I don’t think it’s good for me to go on without something to help. As despite my good intentions and my self care, sometimes it’s not enough. That is why I am so angry/upset/annoyed/frustrated about it.

So I went to a meetup, one through the Anxiety Group(which is for people with mental health issues in general, not just anxiety) and though I talked a lot, I wasn’t really there so to speak. I was just talking because I feel anxious with silence and while, yes, I do like to talk to others and get to know them, some of the time, I’d just keep talking so there wasn’t an awkward silence. As I can’t handle the silence. It makes me feel a little less anxious(the talking), as being somewhere public that has so many people there, it does make me quite anxious. Not the people in the group I mean, the other people at the cafe.

I’m feeling very lonely today. So very lonely.

I really don’t know what to do with myself today. I’d like to get out of the house, but I don’t know where to go and it’s hard with the 2 kids. And being school holidays. As most places that are options are quite busy and crowded and I just can’t deal with busy or crowded places right now.

What I’d like most is some company. But I don’t think anyone is available. They all seem to be busy. Except one friend, who might not be, but I really don’t have the energy to drive for just over an hour to go see her or I would.