I don’t think I blog anywhere near as much as I used to.  Partly, because I just don’t get around to it, partly because I’m not sure what to write about or if I want to share very private thoughts(which usually, I just write in my diary) and partly because, I don’t know if my blog still gets read.  Though I’m sure it does…well I hope it does anyway.

 

So where I’m at presently is… I’ve been quite depressed for the past 2 weeks.  Things just seem to be getting on top of me.  Not busy wise, just life.  This cold weather makes me wants to hibernate at home and it’s not helping my exercise resolve at all.  I have exercised properly 2 times in I don’t even know how many months.  I’m thinking it’s been about 4 months.  My weight has gone up, from my goal weight.  And while I don’t like this fact, I’m finding it hard to stick to strict enough eating to get back to my goal weight.  Which is partly this cold weather and partly my depression. 

 

At many times lately, I’m just getting very worked up, angry over Annabelle being a whingy little toddler.  Which is most likely a typical behaviour at this age.  But it seems, I find it quite hard lately to keep my cool and keep calm.  She’ll just whinge, instead of telling Braiden or I what she wants.  Because she knows the words for whatever it is she’s wanting.  But instead, she’s being whingy.  And it kind of does my head in!  I go between feeling overwhelmed and teary and overwhelmed and angry or frustrated.  

 

The other week, I was having a bad day.  She was being difficult and kept misbehaving.  Possibly I think, because I missed the window of opportunity for her afternoon nap.  And well, toddlers can be rather difficult if this nap is needed and is missed.  As they get overtired and all hypo.  Anyway, her behaviour was already driving me a bit mad and then she threw a very solid, hard toy at the new TV and I had, had enough and lashed out and hit her(just to be clear, not in an abusive way) and she cried, because, one, I generally never hit her, so she was in shock and two, it probably hurt too.  Like most normal, caring, loving mothers, I instantly regretted lashing out and I felt like utter crap.  I said sorry and told her it wasn’t her fault and tried to explain myself(whether she understood what I was on about is another thing LOL) and gave her a big cuddle.  And I just broke down in tears and bawled my eyes out.  And she was such a sweetie, she puts both her little hands on my face and looks up at me and then hugs me even tighter.  I think she’s at an age where she’s developing empathy.  So she saw me wipe away my tears with my hanky and then grabbed my hanky and put it up to her face, so I could wipe her tears.  I then, cried even more.  But that was more out of pride and seeing how sweet and cute she was.

 

Yeah, so, I’ve been crying a lot lately and at times my anxiety levels have been going up, which is never fun.  But on the plus side, I have been approved for 6 free counselling sessions.  So at some point soon, I’ll arrange that.

 

Yesterday I went to a meet up, through this NZ meet up group, for people with Anxiety, Depression and other mental health issues.  We first meet up at Starbucks and then went and watched the movie ‘Rock of Ages’.  They are an awesome group of people and I really enjoy hanging out with them and chatting with them.  As we generally ‘get’ each other, in ways that others in society don’t ‘get’ us.  And sometimes, I think some of them think I talk too much LOL!  Which in all honesty, I am known for, by so many people who know me!  I just have to remember, despite how people might react to my talkative nature and even if people try give me shit about it, it’s not a bad thing and I won’t let myself feel as if it is.  As I spent a lot of my younger years, being hassled about this personality trait, like it was a bad thing and it gave me a bit of a negative complex about it.  But these days, I try and laugh it off if people give me shit about it.  Plus, sometimes they are just being sarcastic.  Being able to talk so easily and openly is definitely a positive personality trait.  As not everyone can just do that.  It’s something I have, that not everyone has.  It makes me unique and makes me who I am.  Of course, sometimes me being overly talkative is a nervous thing.  Like, sometimes I just can’t handle silence and I just talk, talk, talk.  Other times, it’s because I spend way too much time at home, with my toddler, or children and when I get to see adults and have social interaction, I get all excited and talk, talk, talk.  So, in short…or long maybe, I’m cool with this personality trait of mine, despite how others react.

 

On an area I’m not cool with…is parents who reject me.  As in, my significant others parents.  And, it’s a source of insecurity.  It something I have struggled with for years.   As when you’re in a relationship, an important, significant, hopefully long term relationship, how you are perceived, liked, disliked by your partners parents is a big thing.  And I know in many relationships, it makes or breaks the relationship.  So when my partners parents reject me, I find it really upsetting.  The more parents who have rejected me, the more it seems to upset me.  It’s happened to me a fair bit, since I had my first serious relationship when I was 17.  And I have had a few parents, dislike me or reject me.  Some for reasons I have been told, like my first serious relationship for example, I was 3 years older then my boyfriend and his mother did not like me for this reason.  She was worried I would lead him astray and corrupt him.  Fair enough though, he was 14, I was 17 and he was a virgin, though not completely innocent before I met him.  His Dad liked me though(his parents are divorced), so I could handle the fact that his mother wasn’t keen, as fair enough when you think about her reasons.  Other parents who have rejected me, it has seemed like there was no valid reason, they just didn’t like me.  I know one boyfriend, who had been brought up in wealth and has very rich parents, it was down to the fact that I had not had the same upbringing.  Gosh, snobby and judgemental much!  Another parent, it was because I’m christian and they are catholic.  Which to me, seems pretty petty, as both religions believe in the same God, the same Jesus and the same bible!  So, the fact Braiden’s(my now fiancée), father has rejected me, for no apparent reason, upsets me.  I mean, the way I see it is, why would a parent not like me?  What reason could they possibly have?  I’m nice, honest, kind, caring, compassionate, good, easy-going, friendly, a loving Mum and a generally all round decent person.  So the fact that his Dad has taken issue with me, kind of hurts.  If someone doesn’t like me, I want to know why, even if I don’t like the answer.  Not knowing why, that’s part of the problem.

 

It’s probably a big issue for me, because family is very important to me.  And being I don’t have any family within driving distance and whom I can see regularly.  Having the other halves family reject me, hurts even more.  As family is VERY important to me.  But, I do have good support on Sophie’s side of the family.  Her grandparents are very lovely and have been such a help to me over the years and are very involved in her life.  And for that, I am SO grateful!  And I make sure I tell them that too.  Just to clarify, for people who don’t know my history.  Sophie is from a previous relationship and Annabelle, is Braiden and my child.  So it’s Braiden’s parents who are the issue here, not Sophie’s side.

 

I am often disappointed that, though Annabelle’s grandparents(Braiden’s parents), live in Wellington, they put in no effort!  Or very little.  I mean, it’s only about 25 minutes drive I’d say, from their place to ours.  Seems like, they only visit and by they, I should more say, his Mum, when they are over this way for other reasons.  Or if it’s Annabelle’s birthday.  Like FFS, they don’t even give Braiden a call on his birthday or a present!  And his last birthday was significant, he was turning 30 and still, nothing!  Me, personally, with my family and expectations of family, found that shocking and disgusting!  If they could be more involved, even if that’s just his Mum, that would be greatly appreciated.  They know I struggle and they know I have mental health issues at times, yet they don’t offer any support.  And it’s not like they shouldn’t ‘get’ it, as they have both suffered from mental health issues at times in the past.  Yeah, so, not so impressed with them.  They have their youngest granddaughter plenty and she’s way harder work then Annabelle.  They even moan about how difficult she is.  Yet they have her plenty.  I think, they play favourites with their kids.  So, because Victoria(their 2nd and youngest granddaughter) is their youngest sons daughter, she gets favoured over Annabelle.  I have the feeling, they weren’t very nice to Braiden growing up and this favourites thing with their kids, has been going on for years.  And I so do not agree with that shit!  I know my Mum doesn’t play favourites with any of us kids.  I just feel like we, as a couple, do so desperately need some time without both the girls.  As, your relationship does most definitely suffer if you are always ‘on’ and always doing parent duty.

 

It’s not surprising I guess, that sometimes I just have enough of it all and want to escape and piss off elsewhere for a significant amount of time.  It’s not that I’m trying to get away from Braiden even, it’s that I’m just trying to get away from my 24/7 responsibilities.  As, leaving the house is the only way to get a break.  Going upstairs and chilling by myself, every now and then, will do.  But sometimes, that’s just not enough for me.  As I can’t fully relax when the kids are all home or when Braiden is bitching and moaning at his game or people he’s playing against.  That in itself does my head in on occasion.  As, really, who wants to listen to that for several hours or several nights in a row.  Not me!  I know though, I’m not alone in this desperation for time out and the whole, being ‘on’ 24/7 and desperately wanting a break or just some time as a couple.  Only having that time when the kids are asleep, is not enough and so not the same.  And yeah, I think my sex life and sex drive suffers as a result!

 

I’m not alone in that either.  Thank goodness!  I was rather relieved when I was hanging out with a few Mums in their 30’s, who have 2 or more children and we were discussing this subject.  It was nice to know, that others feel this way too.  And that some of them, have sex even less then Braiden and I.  But never-the-less, I do feel kind of shit about the fact that I don’t have much of a desire.  It’s not him either or lack of attraction.  It’s totally me.  I just favour sleep.  And, I think it’s hard to connect sexually, when you are always busy looking after 1 or both kids.  And not getting a break either.  I think, if we had the odd night off from them both, we could have better sex and my libido might go back to normal.  I am shocked at how shit it is!  I thought, it was supposed to be ‘dirty thirties’ and that us women are supposed to be at our peek sexually in our 30’s.  Yeah, not so much in this case!  I think maybe they mean single women, without kids!  The only time I seem to feel the desire is in my friggen dreams!  Not cool!  At least Braiden has a sex drive.  Pity I can’t borrow some of his LOL!  Interesting subject aye?!  My sex drive or shall I say lack of sex drive.  But I was encouraged by some people I was chatting to, (in real life, not online for once) to be honest and share my views and feeling on this subject.  As, there might be others out there, feeling the same and thinking that they are the only one feeling this way.  Let me just say, if you feel this way, you are so NOT alone!  I used to think maybe it was my body image or maybe it’s because I’m always tired.  But nah, seems more like, it’s the lack of real adult time.  That’s hard when you have 2 kids.  It was always much easier to get this time, when I only had 1 child.  And I wouldn’t want to go back to having only 1 child, but, there is a price to pay for having more then 1.  You just don’t realize this when you are planning on making a 2nd child.  You naively think, we’ll still have time, we’ll find the time and then reality bites and you find out, that time, isn’t so easy to come by.  The parents I know, who have a sex life, they only have 1 child or, they regularly get nights off from their kids.  Oh, how luck they are!  So, if we can maybe try and encourage Braiden’s parents to have Annabelle more, then maybe we can sort this dilemma out.  Hmm, I wonder, is there a pill I can take at my age for increasing sex drive?… I think, most likely nothing that can be prescribed by a doctor, due to not being an old lady LOL!

 

Oh, another great personality trait of mine is, I’m funny…apparently.  I don’t often see it, but I have a friend who is always telling me so. So she must be right of course!  Either that, or she just brings out the comedian in me.

 

A strange thing I have been getting frustrated about lately is.  I only have 5 pages left in my old diary and last time I wrote in it, I think I had about 9 pages left, so I had a good write in it and then started writing about mundane b.s, because I was trying to fill in the pages.  Then I get to the end of my entry and I still had 5 pages left.  Most people wouldn’t care about such a thing.  But me, I was left feeling frustrated.  Why, you may ask… It’s because this diary, I have had since 2007 and it’s just an A4 writing book, very boring.  And I’ve brought a new diary, which is very cool and has a funky design and I got a funky new pen to go with it.  So, I’m getting frustrated at not having finished my current diary.  As, naturally, I am feeling very excited about my new diary and writing in it.

 

Ah, so maybe that’s why people find me funny… Because I go off in tangents about subjects often completely unrelated.  Did you notice?…And also, maybe because, I get annoyed at the strangest things.  But, that’s what makes me unique right?!  And being unique, is definitely not overrated.  Even if people may replace the word ‘unique’ with weird, that’s most likely just because they are a boring copycat, who wouldn’t know unique if it came and bit them on thee arse LOL!  And there I go again, being random.

 

Right, so we have established, I’m talkative, random, unique, funny and lacking a sex drive.  Oh and clearly, very honest.

 

You know I was actually supposed to be getting off the computer like an hour or so and then I remembered, I was going to write in my blog.  Glad I remembered.  I’ve been meaning to write in here for a few days

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