Well, I’ll admit, though I knew the word facade, I didn’t actually know how to spell it. I spent a good few minutes trying to write it, how it sounded, but in the end, had to go to good old google and type it into an online dictionary to find out.

I found it an appropriate word to describe what many of us do. We put up a false facade. A facade that says, all is good, everything is fine, I am coping.

…when…reality is, we are not.

Earlier I rung the mental health 0800 number and I am actually really glad I called the mental health number and had a chat to them.

They pretty much, acknowledged what most men don’t. Which is that, our job as Mum’s(whether full-time or part-time) is very exhausting and draining, in many ways. Such as emotionally, physically and in general. And that we do A LOT for our children/child. And often get no acknowledgement for that.

That the way I have been feeling, is very common among mothers. From what they hear again and again, from mothers who will admit to not coping and don’t put up the facade that all is well.

That the anxiety and exhaustion and general feeling of being SO over it all, is not uncommon either.

That we DO need time out from our mothering duties.

I so wanted to cry while I was talking to her. As so much of what she was saying hit home and was so true and exactly how I was feeling, even though I didn’t know so at the time.

This is something I felt inspired to write after thinking about this all and having this chat earlier.

“Do not put a facade up, that all is well, when it’s truly not.

Tell someone if you are in pain emotionally.

Reach out.

You’ll be glad you did, no matter how hard that first step is”

Yeah, so I’d say, that describes me somewhat. I sometimes, though not realizing it. Put up a facade. Because, I get so over the not coping. I spent so much time in Annabelle’s first year or so, not coping and not feeling so shit hot. So naturally, I do not welcome those, not so positive feelings. I want to be rid of them. I don’t want them as part of my life.

I got desperate a few weeks ago and took 2 whole anti-depressants! Yeah that’s kind of a piss take. As 2 anti-depressants is actually a normal dose for most people. 2-3 I have heard. Yet I used to only be on 1. But that’s not my point. The point was, I was just not coping and snappy and anxious and generally over feeling so crap. So I felt desperate and took them. Thinking, well they might not be so bad, they’ll calm me down at least. And maybe, the side effects won’t be so bad.

…yeah, nah!!!

Those innocent 2 tablets. Though they did calm me down. They also made me extremely nauseous and I threw up everything I ate for 2 days and the exhaustion they caused, lasted a whole week! So yeah, not going down that road again!

It’s because I’d run out of my trusty 30 Plus tablets a few weeks ago and couldn’t afford anymore. So I was left to cope with myself, without any form of medication.

So yeah, also not keen to let myself run out of the 30 Plus tablets again. As, unfortunately, no matter how good my attitude or health or diet, I still seem to go back to not coping so well.

Gah, I hate it! I hate that I still manage to get back to that place I so hate. I so don’t like being in that place. Could be worse though. It’s not like I’m anything like I was when I suffered with severe PND. I am much better in so many ways in comparison.

It just totally sux, that I have a really good day, one day and then the next, I feel like that.

It’s not totally school holidays to blame. Though it partly is. For some reason, I come unhinged around the school holidays. I think it’s just maybe something that happens, slowly, over a period of months and that happens to coincide with school holidays. So it’s not the school holidays, but the extra demands on me during the school holidays just effect my ability to cope. As there’s more required of me then.

Apparently the constant fatigue I have may not in fact be any medical condition. …Unless you call being a full time Mum a medical condition LOL! Apparently it’s a normal state to dwell in if you are a Mum.

And an update on the weight loss/diet. That’s going…ok…I guess. I have been a bit unhealthy with my diet lately and totally slack on the exercise front.

I wonder if I might be doing that unconscious self-sabotaging again. As I got to within 2 kgs of my goal weight and seem to have gone a bit inconsistent on it all again and gained a little. But to be fair, not a lot. Only 1.9kgs over my lowest weight so far.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me feeling a little relaxed, due to feeling a bit more ok about my body. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

That’s all for now. I have no idea if anyone still has time to read my blog, but hey. At least it’s here if it wants to be read and at least I’m getting stuff off my chest. Which is good for me anyway.

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