That is exactly what I thought when I stood on the scales yesterday morning. And they were up to 61.2 kgs.

To have gained 700gms after eating within my calories every day for the last month and exercising the last 2 days. It was a bit of a shock to the system.

I must admit, it tipped me over the edge mood wise. I felt very down yesterday. And way more down then I should. I felt like, fuck this, I’m over this crap and my body doing the wrong thing! I hate my body, I just want to end it all(suicidal thoughts)

Really, how can I get so over the edge emotionally over this?

I guess it’s because, I’ve mostly been able to stay below 61 kgs no matter what, since I managed to get within my healthy BMI range. Which was about 7 months ago. So I haven’t gone up to above 60.8 kgs in the last 7 months. And I hate to admit it. But for me, my happiness is somewhat tied in with how I feel about my body and my success with keeping weight off.

I guess that comes from having a relatively nice figure most of my life. So it’s always hard for me to have a figure I am not happy with.

I just do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I would go see the doctor, but I owe $106 at the moment.

It could be my thyroid acting up. Don’t know for sure. I’m not a doctor.

And as for this depression. I try to manage it as naturally as possible. With supplements. As, I just can’t handle the effect of anti-depressants. I would actually take some long term if they could find me some that do not make me really fatigued and nauseous. And when I say nauseous. It is to the point it makes me throw up nearly every day and sometimes several times a day.

Anyway. I had a lovely friend at least help me out and gave me some money to buy some more ’30-Plus’ tablets. Which do work quite well for me. So I am so, so thankful for her kindness.

I will just keep trying to improve my situation the best I can until I can see the doctor and have a good talk to him.

I know these super long holidays never do me any good. I tend to lose a lot of tolerance and get quite over everything during this long holiday period. Hopefully by the next long one’s, I’ll have found some strategies to help me stay sane.

That’s all for now. I was supposed to be leaving the house like 20 minutes ago! Naughty me!

Advertisements