That’s a pretty good description of how I’m feeling lately.

My mood is very much blah.  And how I feel about my body and in general is well described with blurgh.

Motivation has wavered when it comes to exercise.  It seemed to have wavered a few months ago and hasn’t come back big time.  I generally feel a little bit of motivation when I look at my non shifting weight and all my clothes become too tight and I look at my semi nude body with disgust.  It’s generally a bit of a wake up call.  Simply, you eat crap, don’t exercise and this is what results.

It’s hard constantly being mindful of what you eat!  Especially when you spent most of your life not having weight issues and stayed at a steady 48kgs till you turned 20.  Even then, weight I gained, was not hard to lose.  I found it became progressively harder to lose once I got closer to 30.  Then, once I hit the big 30, it was a huge struggle to lose anything.  And motivation, last all of about 2-3 weeks.  Then you add, having a baby and gaining 27 kgs and developing Hypothyroidism to it.  Yeah, so not an easy road.  And granted, I have done well in losing 24 kgs and that wasn’t easy.

I do kind of worry I have an unconscious ability to self-sabotage my weight loss, once I get to within 3 kgs of my goal weight.  It’s like, I’ve yoyo’d between 58 kgs and 60 kgs for so long, I can’t seem to handle getting to my goal weight.  Like, I’m scared I might get obsessed with weight loss and get too small. This has happened before, in my mid 20’s.  But once I got too small, I saw that and added some weight.  Also, it’s like, as if I don’t think I deserve to be happy or success.  Deep issues that clearly haven’t been resolved.  I’ve been a self-sabotager in many areas of my life for years.  And I’ve mainly gotten past most of that, but obviously not completely. 

I really don’t understand why I deep down don’t seem to believe I deserve happiness or success.  I guess someone must’ve told me differently for so long I started to believe it.  Some messed up person in my past.  Either that, or I just didn’t have enough confidence and security instilled in me from a young age and thus is the result.

It’s like, for fuck sake!  Why can’t my mind get on board with what my heart knows?! 

Which is, that I do deserve happiness and success and all good things.  I guess shit that has happened in life has made me question this to some degree.  Like the fact that I’m a good person, a kind person, a compassionate person.  Yet, people have fucked me and/or my family over.  Doing things like, robbing us, lying to us, insulting me, lying to me, trying to tear me down because they are having a shit time in life or just rejecting me and making out I’m some how not good enough.

Fact is, YES I am good enough and YES I am worthy.  Anyone who doesn’t see that is just missing out.  I just wish these truths, could get fully cemented into me.  Because, clearly, the truths are there, but not instilled in me, if I have such conflicting beliefs.

Back to the diet and exercise thing.  I think the slackness in eating well and lack of exercise, plus too much time indoors, is part of why I have issues with my moods.  If I could just kick this fatigue, it’d be a lot easier to get myself out and about.  As, it all feels like such a chore presently.  And, gosh, I am really unfit at the moment!  Doing 45 minutes of Zumba yesterday made me very aware of that.  And it became obvious to me, just how much that 2.8 kg gain makes a difference.  As, I was sitting at between size 8-9 at 58 kgs and now I’m size 11.  And the crap thing about that is, I sold almost every pair of size 11 jeans.  But thankfully I still have 1 pair. 

I know diet alone doesn’t do much for weight loss.  But for goodness sake, I have been consistently staying within my calorie goal for several weeks now and I’m not losing ANY weight!  I have gained 300 gms at most.  But I’m only going between 60.5 kgs and 60.8 kgs.  And to a lot of people, they may see that as nothing to get upset about.  But for me, being 5ft2(158cms), I don’t have height on my side and any extra weight on me, shows big time.  Damn this being short!  With my height, if I gain a tiny 1.7 kgs on my current weight, I’m classed as overweight.  And yeah, people may say BMI is not accurate all the time.  But for me, I do look unhealthy when my BMI is anywhere in the overweight range.  Boy is it frustrating having to lose the same 3 kgs over and over again! 

I’ve been learning a bit about ‘False Fat’ which is pretty much bloating and swelling, by reading ‘The False Fat Diet’.  It explains about having reactive foods.  Which are foods we react to, either by digestive upset, causing bloating and swelling or with extra ‘real fat’.  It’s sensitivity’s you have to certain foods.  Not the same as food allergies, but similar.  It explains why this happens and why this results in imbalances in our body.  Unfortunately I’m not up to the chapter which helps to diagnose what my reactive foods are, by doing an elimination diet.  Which is eliminating certain foods for 7 days and paying attention to how you body reacts without them.  And eventually doing this will help you discover your reactive foods.

Ok, well that is all from me.  Till next time.