So what seems to happen with me is. I’ll get to my lowest weight of 58kgs, but never seem to be able to shift the scales to a lower number. So it’s like, I unintentionally self sabotage and seem to reward myself my eating too much or punish myself by going fuck it, I’m over it. Then, I end up gaining a few kgs. Then as a result, feeling crap and down on myself. And my eating, seems to go between, either lots of over-eating or under eating. Which seems to be fucking up my metabolism. So, since my body clearly doesn’t know, what to expect from one week to the next, it’s all out of whack.

When I’m eating too little, my body adjusts my really slowing my metabolism and then as a result of me eating either normally or over eating, I gain weight really fast.

I just get into a really bad habit of either drastically cutting my calories or sabotaging my weight loss by over-eating.

And when my moods are shit, that’s reflects on the scales and in my diet too. Generally being, I eat emotionally, which always consists of over-eating and eating the wrong things. And, when I get bored, due to lack of good weather, meaning lack of exercise, I eat too.

But, I seem to fuck things up, when the weather is good, by eating less, as for some reason I think faster weight loss and don’t have energy to exercise, as I’m eating too little.

ARGH!!! It’s SO frustrating!!! But really, when I sit back and take a long hard look at myself and assess the situation, I come to the realization, that I’m the only one to blame for all of this. And I need to take some responsibility for my actions and therefore change them.

So, what I really need to do, is force myself, to try and never go below 1200 cals. As, if I do, I’m just screwing things up for myself and my body will never sort it’s shit out and my metabolism will never be doing it’s proper job. And, I need to be more consistent with my exercise.

I tend to lose motivation, when I lack energy and when my moods are crap and it takes a lot of energy to get back on the right track. As, not changing is way easier then changing. And, in case you don’t know, I don’t like change, even if I’ll benefit. It mainly comes down to my lack of energy. When that lacks, I don’t do shit.

Here’s hoping, I can turn over a new leaf and at least get my diet sorted and then hopefully up my exercise.

Now I look back, I think going for the Protein Shakes as an attempt to lose weight, wasn’t such a good plan. As, since I’ve been having them, I’ve become very obsessed with my calorie intake and not been eating/consuming enough.

I admit, I’m obsessed/caught up with the number on the scales, as an indicator of my weight loss or gain. Which is something I really need to work on getting over. As, there are so many reasons why the numbers go up and down and I never rationally consider this and just get all emotional and pissed off, when I’m not being told what I want by the scale. I need to try just work by measurements and the way my clothes fit and not worry about the scales. Easier said then done of course.

Forgot to add, I’ve run out of my happy pills(the natural tablets I’ve been taking) so I’m a bit of a moody grump lately.

This picture shows how I feel about it all right now, including how I feel about the scales.

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