Presently, I am again struggling with depression.

Seems like, long term, it’s not wise for me to live without anti-depressants.  As, I always end up needing them again.  Which of course, affects my pride.  As in, I’m often too proud to admit, the depression is an issue and I can’t live without the anti-depressants.  And, I’m always aware, sometimes it’s just a depressive period and it may pass.  As, sometimes it does pass or has done in the past. 

But I am tend to wait longer to seek help.  In hope, it will pass.  I usually give it 2 wks, and if it’s not passed, I go to the doctor.  But this time, I waited double that.  Also, the cost of a doctor’s visit does put me off too.  And not finding the right anti-depressants to keep me happy and without crappy side effects.

So, how things went were.  I had/have no reason to be depressed or stressed.  So it didn’t make sense to me, the way I’ve been feeling.  As, my thinking, self talk and mindset are all good and positive.  So, to me, it just didn’t/doesn’t make sense me being depressed.  On days, where usually I’d be energized and feeling happy after seeing my friends, I’d for some unknown reason, be crying, over nothing, over everything.  It just didn’t make sense.  Things give me joy for such a short burst, it becomes insignificant in retrospect.  The sad/bad feelings outlast the good one’s.

I decided/agreed I needed to seek help, due to, a few weeks back, feeling like self-harming, 2 out of 3 days.  As that is a big warning sign to me and anyone else that I share those thoughts with, that I need help a.s.a.p

But man, some doctor’s just don’t quite seem to get it, when I’m explaining my feelings!  I was saying how terrible I’d been feeling and for how long and the doctor was like, well, you still do experience some joy, so try exercising and you’ll be fine.  I’m like, “no!  I don’t think you are getting it.  I have so many bad days and the joy is so little and short lived.  I feel like harming myself and escaping and have felt that way several times in a few days”.  Then, I was taken seriously.  And she put me on new anti-depressants.  Called ‘Nortriptyline-Norpress’ and start on 1 tablet per day for 7 days, then 2 tablets per day for 7 days and then 3 tablets per day for 7 days and then review.  At first, they did make me really tired and sleepy for the first 4 days.  But then I feel like they made me hyper-sensitive.  As in, I’d be more alert after taking them(I take them at night, as directed) and I also feel like, my emotions have gone nuts and I’m hyper-sensitive to everything emotionally.  Like I get very manic with my emotions.  I go from annoyed to bursting into tears, within seconds.  I feel like everything sux, I can’t cope and I want out.  Yesterday, I was having a hard time getting Annabelle to let me put her back in the stroller or car seat and this struggle was not fun at all.  I’d end up, finally getting her belts on and would just sit in the car and ball my eyes out.  And the day before, I had the struggle with her and the car seat for 15 mins and within that time, I wanted to run inside and self-harm and possibly put an end to it all.  So naturally, after all those emotions , I was again, sitting in the car, balling uncontrollably.

I know I should probably go back to the doctor, but I worry that I’ll get stuck with another bill.  And I’m already seeing a physiotherapist once a week, so I can’t afford anymore expenses.

Yeah, so lately, I’ve been so not coping with so many aspects of life.  And to me, it doesn’t make sense.  I’ve got no motivation and crap all energy, so exercising is rather lacking.  Though I do try and go for walks if I can.  Just sux when it’s alone.  As I enjoy going walking with others.  But even exercise hasn’t helped my moods, neither has exercise while socializing.  Which totally doesn’t make sense!  These things, SHOULD make me feel better.  I’m sure they are ‘proven’ to make people feel better.  But why they are not, I have no idea.

Life IS good.  So there are no reasons that I can see of, that the depression has been triggered again.

So yeah, me not blogging for ages, was at times, because life was good and I was feeling good.  But more recently, it was because I was too overwhelmed and couldn’t find the motivation to share.



This picture, is quite a good example of how I often feel