I was at a loss as to a title.

So, currently I am on 2 tablets per day of Venlafaxine(Effexor), which I upped yesterday. Started of 1 tablet per day for 2 wks, then told to up dose after 2 wks, which I have and in another 2 wks, I’m supposed to up to 3-4 tablets per day. For the most part, no side effects, except mild-nausea. A little more nausea since I upped it to 2. Hopefully my body will get used to the higher dose and the nausea will lesson. But at the end of the day, 1 side effect is WAY better then the long list I had on Escitalopram.

I am really glad I went back to the doctor and saw a more understanding doctor. I knew I was just not coping at all and I had to get something to help. As I feared that if I did not seek help, I’d get really out of control again, like I did when I first developed PND after having Annabelle and that I’d start lashing out at my children and I don’t want to be that person again. The good thing about the doctor is, she suggested I try and make sure I see the same doctor each time I come in, relating to my depression. Continuity of care I think she said. It is also good there is funding to help pay for visits relating to mental health. As that is a big factor relating to whether I go to the doctor or not. As I don’t need extra debt.

Yeah, so when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, my anxious and anger levels were really high and I could feel they were getting out of control and I was not in control and that is scary.

Currently, my anxiety has significantly declined and my moods are quite balanced. I do still get moody, but not out of control. It’s usually related to being tired or hungry. So I make sure I feed myself regularly. Though some days I’ve been a bit slack and missed lunch. Though for the most part, I eat 3 meals a day.

Exercise is going….ok… Not done a lot of it, but at least managing once a week. Though, last week I got a nasty bug, so that kind of zapped me for a few days and now I have a cold. But I’ll be right.

Some weeks, I find just not having much on, can actually be quite good and peaceful. But I try to make sure I socialize at least a few times during the week. As I know myself and I know if I lack in socializing for too long, I’ll get depressed and want to hibernate from the world.

When I think of where I have come from, on my journey with PND and depression since Annabelle was born, I am very inspired/proud/impressed by how far I have come, how I have grown as a person and mother. Plus I am proud of my change in attitude. I used to be very anti-me and down on myself and never seeing hope. I used to think I’d be better off just running away from my situation and starting a fresh without anyone from my current life. I was desperate.

Now I am feeling much more content and at ease. As formally, I would often feel anxious about so many things. I feel anxious living in our house, anxious about living in Wellington and wanting to run away from Braiden’s family and moving to Australia. Thinking, maybe if we moved there, life would improve, we’d have a fresh start and things would get better. I get very overwhelmed by many things in life you see. I get overwhelmed by debt, by feeling like we can’t win, so we take a few steps forward and things improve and then they go backwards, backwards and further back, by the fact that Sophie my older daughter is quite challenging and acts like a baby at times and is really demanding, I get overwhelmed by Annabelle testing the boundaries and intentionally pushing my buttons. Probably many more things that overwhelm me. But now, I am happy to stay put and I feel at home in our house, I’m happy to try make things work in Wellington and not run away. Though I would love it if this place gets sold, keeping us as tenants or gets taken of the market. As I’m over open homes and I’d love to just have some certainty regarding this house. Because, you see, I’m not keen on housework, but every Sunday we have to tidy, tidy, tidy, to get the place looking acceptable for an open home.

I’m feeling more confident about driving at night and on the motorway. Which some may think is weird, as I have had my full licence since I was 19 and I am not 32. But, boy, it’s amazing what anxiety can do to a usually confident driver. Anxiety and anger are the 2 emotions I dislike most of depression.

I am very thankful for the support of the women from the PND thread. You know who you are. And my friends who ‘get it’. You give me strength when I have none, you inspire me by your strength, as you are all strong! Even if you doubt that sometimes.

Ok, so to sum up, I’m doing much better, I still have issues to work on/work through and I feel positive/hopeful about the future.

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