I don’t know what to class what I have is. As, is it still related to postnatal reaction after having a baby or is it just regular depression?… I don’t know.

Whichever it is, it sux!

So, I went to the doctor today and chatted about how I feel and yay, I got a doctor who listened to my wants and needs this time. Thank goodness! So they are going to try me on a different anti-d. It’s called Venlafaxine. It’s apparently quite good for people who don’t gel too well with the usual meds. So I’ll start on 1 tablet for 2 wks, then go up to 2 and then see how I feel after that and up it, if I need some more. I also talked to the doctor about the money side of visiting the doctor, somewhat regularly. Apparently there’s some funding coming up(hasn’t come into affect yet, so still have to pay for today’s appointment. $46!!!) it’s called S.I.A. So next visit, I should be able to use that to pay for appointment.

Not seeing my counsellor for over a month probably hasn’t helped much. But he’s away til mid-July. Also, WINZ funding stopped for that, so have to get counsellor to fill out an application for some more, before I can start going again.

Didn’t know this before today, but depression can cause your metabolic rate to slow. Thus being why, though I am eating well, I am losing zero weight. As, doctor said, at last check up, my thyroid levels weren’t that bad. So this moodiness and crap, has been depression related, not thyroid related. Lovely. The reason metabolic rate slows down during depression is that when you body isn’t functioning as it is, other parts of your body stop working as effectively. Good to know it’s not my fault for no weight loss. It was really pissing me off. It’s like, argh, I am eating healthy, exercising once a week(slack I know!) and my weight is just not moving!

So it seemed like, in April, I stopped the meds, things got better and were good for just over a month. Then moods went up and down, though, I was still having some good days. And then over the last month and a bit, my mood has just gone downhill. Lately, it has been between these moods: Anger, anxiety, depression and irritability. So, lately, it’s been anger big time and anxiety big time. Then, getting all emotional and crying for no reason. Today, I have spent much of the day crying. I was crying just driving to the doctor. Thinking about talking to her about my feeling, was making me cry. Oh, what a mess I have been. I really, really, really miss my family. Oh and Braiden’s family, well they are just wankers! Ok, to be fair, his sister and parents are wankers, the rest of them are ok. I hate their lack of support, how shit they are as grandparents, considering they were dying for a granddaughter and their narcissistic personalities! Oh, and they totally treat Sophie like an inconvenience and that totally hurts and angers me! She’s a sweetie and she craves love and affection(bit like her Mummy)

With my moodiness(anger) I’ve been going off the handle at everyone in my house, very regularly. Braiden has no idea why. He keep asking why am I so pissed off all the time. And I have no answer for him. Sophie, probably feels rejected and like she can’t do anything right(though this is not the case) and Annabelle is probably wondering what is going on. And damn, even the Missy(our cat) is scared of me! When I start yelling, she starts meowing and wanting outside. Sometimes during my tantrums, I throw things, though not at anyone. I just want to let all this anger out and break things. I’m just so angry! And why? I don’t know. Why am I so angry? What do I have to be so angered about? …though in asking those questions, I think some of it is lack of support from Braiden’s wankers of parents and the fact that some people in my life are self-involved, self-serving and selfish and I’m over them being like this! Damn, what money does to some people, that’s all I’m going to say. And just as a disclaimer, I don’t have this attitude about all well-off people. There are many decent and down-to-earth well-off people in the world.

So, I hope this new lot of anti-d’s work a treat and I can start feel happier soon. I’m over these mood swings! And I’m sure, so is everyone else in my house.

Thankx for reading my lovely followers. It’s good to know you care and mostly understand.