Well, I am very happy to report, it is going well.

I am feeling back to my old self again, finally! Well, in fact better then my old self. To be honest, I actually really appreciate that I had PND. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but I will explain.

I’m sure some of you may very well being thinking, “why would someone be happy to have had PND?!” Why, well because it has forced me to do a lot of exploring, growing and sorting out of so many areas of my life. If I’d not gotten PND, I would stayed the same as I always had, probably had bouts of depression and felt just blurgh on and off.

Because my PND was so abrupt and severe and just hit me for a six, I was forced to acknowledge it and start dealing with it a.s.a.p. Plus, I had a really awesome midwife who keeped a close eye on me and watched for the signs and go onto MMH really fast once PND had developed. There was no chance for me to try and hide it or put on a mask, or a brave face like so many do. I am a true Pisces and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I mostly have trouble hiding my emotions, when they are that intense. So yeah, this abrupt development of PND forced me to seek help earlier. I didn’t help things though by refusing to consider anti-d’s for 8 months of that hell called PND. And it took awhile to wake my ideas up and grow up and swallow my pride and do what I needed to get better. Joining a PND support group most definitely helped. As did taking in what I learnt in those groups and applying it. As well as starting anti-d’s and counselling and even the parenting course. The combination of all these things, helped me feel more in control of my life. As I was finally actively doing something to fix all the areas of my life that were causing my stress and/or distress.

Most importantly, I made sure I connected with many people, actively got into creating coffee groups and getting out there an being social. As a big thing for me and my mental wellness is being social, talking things out, sharing, seeing people, getting out of the house. And actually, sitting on my arse some of the time, on my computer, actually helped with that. As many new people I now have in my life, I’ve come to know through online parenting forums. As, I have tried to join PIN groups, succeeded and then they’ve just stopped. This has happened twice! So I definitely know it’s not me, it’s them! To clarify I mean, I am doing all I can to attend them, but it is others who lack in making it happen. I used to be very much, poor me and I used to take everything so personally. I used to care so much what others thought of me or how they reacted to me and those things defined how I felt about myself. Common problem among many women too I would think.

These days, I’ve decided, why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think! HAHA! That’s kind of a piss take actually. But somewhat literal. As I have dyed at least some of my hair pink and I don’t care as much what others think. Strangely enough, my hair has a big affect on my confidence. So, when my hair looks dull and boring and un-maintained, I feel kind of crappy. And when it has a fresh colour or cut or is just a bit funky like it is now, I feel awesome!

The only area that still makes me feel a tad depressed is my body. I really hate the way it looks presently! But I AM working on it!

A HUGE shout out to my counsellor Jason Breenan at Thinkwell! (Don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog) But he is awesome! The counselling I have done and continue to do with him, has had a huge affect on me and how I have grown and where I am now. He does his job very well! He really challenges me and my think and that is good. Though of course, at times I resist, but that’s human nature! As change is scary and having you long time thinking and ideas/ideals challenged is hard to take. But it needs to be done.

And well, the decision to come off anti-d’s, which I toyed with for at least a few months before deciding to stop taking them, that had a big bearing on where I am now. So those damn shitty side effects worked in my favor. I just got SO damn sick of the stupid side effects, I was forced to go, now how can I improve things, so I can enable myself to be able to cope without them.

So, why did I stop taking them abruptly? Well that’s just me! I am a very black or white person, with the occasional shape of grey in there, but mostly, very black or white in my thinking and decisions. So it’s pretty much, I’m on them or I’m not. No in betweens. That’s just my personality. Also, I am stubborn and I don’t like being told what to do, even though, it may have just been advice, that I have taken out of context…I do that a bit LOL! So, when I talked with my counsellor about stopping them and he agreed and said to chat to my doctor about it, I was like, ok, I’ll do that. The doctor pretty much listened to me, said “well those side effects are common, there’s nothing we can do about it. And no, I don’t want you to stop taking them at this time”. He wasn’t even open to trying a different anti-d! I did ask. Of course I was not impressed he was totally against the idea of coming off them. It’s like my crap side effects didn’t even matter! So eventually, after about another month, I decided, I wanted to stop taking them definitely. So there started my journey to change and to enable living without the anti-d’s.

At some point, I just got so over being overweight and not fitting anything and well, recently when my 1 pair of jeans that fit comfortably developed a hole in the inner thigh, I just got SO over my extra weight. It is damn depressing being this size and considered overweight! Especially because, for years I was a size 8 and at most 10. Even after having Sophie I got down to a 6! Not that I advise being a 6, that’s too tiny for me! And well, those damn magazines don’t help! Neither do all those slim mummies at Churton Park School! I’m just like, how?! How do they do it?! Cause I couldn’t.

So I decided, we’ve sorted the budget, so even if finances are tight, at least we know where we stand. I’m sorting my depression and issues and the further I go with that, the better I get all the time. Also, on the money side of things, getting babysitting worked helped, as finally I am able to earn some money for once! And then, due to my major hate of my body and limited wardrobe, I decided to change my diet.

I reckon it was destiny that I got bored last week and happened to just randomly look a the documentary section in the video store and find ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd. Oh yes and while I was at it, I hired out some ‘Anthony Robbins’ dvds too, have yet to watch those.

While I was watching ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd, I had some of those ‘a ha’ moments or ‘lightbulb’ moments that Dr Phil and/or Oprah talk about. I was like, ‘oh, that makes so much sense!’

There are just SO many benefits to eating Low G.I! After watching that, I was like, how can I NOT change my eating?!

So, Anastasia and I have decided to try keep each other accountable and support each other on our diets and with our exercise and make a point of getting out and doing some exercise together regularly. Having someone else to do this with, the losing weight and exercise is a great motivation.

Hmm, I’m hoping I haven’t gone off on any or many tangents in this blog entry…

I ‘think’ I’ve explained what I’ve set out to.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading and supporting me, thanks so much! You are awesome for doing that for me!

And for those of you still struggling with PND or depression. There actually is a light at the end of the tunnel and things can and will get better! And most importantly, you are capable and you are strong! And, there is always hope, even if life seems hopeless and all hope seems lost.

Such a difference to how I used to think! I used to see, no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, just dread, fear, anxiety, misery and I thought, that was to be my life forever. How wrong I was! SO happy I could cry!

Ok, it’s nearing midnight…night all and thanks for reading!

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