So, I went to the counsellor for the first time last week.  It was good.  Though I felt quite anxious, being all attention was directed at me.  Which of course is a good thing, as it is about ME after all.  I’m just not used to being the centre of attention, so I tend to feel a bit weird at first.  I felt quite anxious walking to appointment.  Not because of where I was going, just because it’s Wellington CBD and a very busy area and lots of well-dressed career people and I just felt self-conscious walking down there with my depressed look.

My counsellor I used to work with about 4 yrs ago.  So it was good I was able to get him again.  He does some CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and TA(transactional analysis), which are both very good methods.  It was reassuring to be told the way I feel in many areas, is very common and normal.

I wish my appointment with MMH(maternal mental health) lady went better.  I kind of feel like she gets annoyed or frustrated with me.  Like she thinks a lot of my depression is my doing, due to not taking action and my attitude.  I feel like she talks over me sometimes, to stop me from moaning or going on.  And she’s yet another person telling me I should look at going back to work.  I am very happy being a stay at  home mum.  I just wish certain people in my life could just accept that and be ok with that, as I am ok with it.  MMH lady even appeared to be giving me shit for playing Sims 3.  Suggesting it is rather addictive and it needs to be played at appropriate times, like when the kids are in bed and such.  I was like, that is exactly when I play it.  I don’t even bother trying to play it when my girls are up, as it just isn’t practical.  MMH lady says I seem to blame everyone but myself for my problems and depression.  Which I don’t!  What is true, is I am very affected by others people’s opinions, approval, who are important to me.  And I do give other people too much power in my life.  But I don’t blame them for my depression!  Anyway, sometimes the visits with MMH lady just don’t go well.  I have been pissed off after the visits at least a couple of times.

Gosh, when will they ever make an anti-depressant that doesn’t make me majorly nauseous!  I hate feel so nauseous so much of the day!

So I have been doing things to help myself.  I have managed to organize a coffee group for tomorrow, I have a counsellor, I join social groups, I exercise and I try get out of the house much more.

Some days lately I have actually been waking up happy and feeling happy more often.  Though I still tend to have a good portion of down feeling time.  Just not so much fun feeling low.  Had a nice swim yesterday.  Very refreshing.  Oh I’ve been enjoying doing baking a couple of times last week.  Gives a sense of achievement and pride when the baking turns out and others enjoy it.  Though I must confess, I ate a fair few of the 12 muffins I baked on the weekend…maybe half  :-0

I’m quite sure I came on here to post something specific, but I’m lost as to what it was.  Silly wandering mind!  Still sitting here in silence wondering what it was!  Grr!  Hate it when that happens!

I am planning on working on not caring so much what others think and letting others affect me so much.

Oh, I have been having this weird thing happening.  I’m not sure if it is a side effect of my anti-depressants or not.  I am assuming it is.  I am often sitting still or lying down and I feel like there’s an earthquake and like what I’m sitting/lying on is shaking.  Very weird!  And sometimes I am just sitting quietly and I feel quite spaced out.

I find watching comedies quite good for me.  They do say laughter is the best medicine after all.

Right well that is all I have to share for now.  Maybe one day I’ll remember the original thoughts I came on to share…I hope.

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