Ok, so note to self, make sure you NEVER run out of anti-depressants again!  Well to be honest, I did my best to avoid this.  I ordered the repeat online the day I ran out, so that the pills would be there for the next day and chemist was supposed to contact me and let me know when they were there.  So I had none yesterday…not a good plan!  I rang them this morning…”oh yes, we have them here on the shelf, sorry we forgot to contact you”.  I was like “ok, but I really needed them yesterday, as now I am really not coping”.

So yesterday, I was already starting to go downhill due to not having them.  Had lost my temper a few times and was experiencing some vertigo.

But today, well I lost the plot for about an hour or more.  I was getting super angry at the baby, because she was making changing her nappy absolute hell and then she was making getting her skirt on, just as much of a stress, if not more.  And then each time I’d attempt to feed her to get her to bed for her morning sleep, my older daughter kept yelling up the stairs or coming in and distracting her.  So I was really losing my tolerance.  I was just so mad!!!  I wanted to punch a hole in the wall and kick the shit out of parts of the house.  And when my older daughters was angering me, I wanted to throw my water bottle at her.  I just kept going between major anger and feeling really depressed.  I did look at my wrist at some point and thing…hmm..(I’m a self-harmer you see), but thankfully that desire passed.  I rang my partner at work to ask him to come home, as I was losing it and he could hear that, due to me yelling at the children.  But he said he can’t come home, as we can’t afford it.  Which, so didn’t help.  But what can you do.  He heard me calling my older daughter a bitch and swearing at her and told me to stop it and stop taking it out on her.  I was like, “ok, but I’m not coping”.  And was expressing how it pisses me off that his Mum nannies other people’s kids and only visits us if she’s over this way and never actually makes a special trip.  Which sux, as she lives like 15 mins away!  So eventually I had to get off the phone and let him go back to work.  After that, I went between anger and wanting to lash out and very depressive moods.  Ok, so not having breakfast, did not help, but I hadn’t had time.  I had to give my children breakfast and then attempt to get the baby to bed, so my energy was nearly non-existent.  My partner kept telling me on the phone to go eat and get my medication, but I was like, “no, my frame of mind is not good and I have no energy and I shouldn’t drive in this state”.  I simply had no motivation or energy to do anything but cry and lay on the bed.  I got quite worked up and when that happens I have a little bit of an anxiety attack and start coughing and feeling like I’m going to be sick.  I was like, yes, I need to ask for help, but I don’t have the guts and I don’t want to let anyone who can help, know I’m not coping.  I have a LOT of trouble asking for support and help in my most desperate times and that is not good.  The only person I trust enough to ask for help is my partner and due to our finances, he can’t afford to leave work.  Which sux, as like I said to him, I’m important too.  But yeah, we simply can’t afford for him not to do his hours.

Can I just say “Thank GOD for coffee!”.  If I didn’t have a coffee right now, I’d still be feelings super crap.

I really wanted to call someone and tell them I’m not coping and don’t want to move an inch and can they please go get my medication, but yeah, as I said, no energy or motivation to move, even out of my bedroom.

To be honest, the ladies from my first PND group, they were all like, we are all here to support each other and if you need to talk or anything, let us know.  And I would tell them when I wasn’t coping and that I needed company and they’d never have the time for me!  I think they are rude, well-off, snobby, clique bitches to be honest!  And because I am not well off and haven’t had their traumatic pregnancies, labours or births, they all seem to clique and relate and exclude me.  That is total fuck’n bull shit if you ask me!

Anyway, that’s my morning so far.  Helped to share.  I hope my day gets better, though I still have no motivation to leave the house.  And urgh, I have to get groceries today, which I hate!  Stresses me the hell out!

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