Right, so older daughter is home and she’s mostly well-behaved.  But my issue is the baby.  She’s being really difficult.  She nearly always hates her nappy being changed so struggles, turns over, moans, screams and this stresses me the hell out!  Twice now I have smacked her and that not cool!  First time I smacked her leg and intently felt like crap for doing it and yesterday I smacked her bum.  Then felt terrible again.  I mean she’s just a baby, even if she is being difficult and she doesn’t deserve to be smacked.

I’m just so over so much at the moment.  I’ve been drained, unmotivated and feeling like craps for ages.  My thyroid has become less active again and I’m not as yet seeing any result from uping my tablets for that.  I wake up every morning feeling tired and not wanting to get out of bed and I feel like I’ve never had enough sleep.  First I was unwell, then got conjunctivitus and then starting losing my voice and then got a nasty cough.  Argh!  Will it ever end.  I am so sick of feeling so tired and emotional!

My friends offically suck!!!  They don’t visit me, contact me and when one of them does and I tell her how shit I feel, she doesn’t reply or anything and I know she’s read my email.  Really, she is my best friend, why the hell can’t she act like it!!!  It seems as I get older, I realise more and more how selfish and self-centred many of my friends are.  I just wish they could be caring and compassionate and put a bloody effort in.  But oh well, I can always make new friends.  It’s just really hard actually gaining new friendships and scary making new friends.  I worry that I’ll get rejected as for some reason they won’t like me.

My baby has been making breastfeeding really hard lately.  Don’t know what she is doing, but my nipples keep ending up cracked, dry, split and bleeding.  Yesterday when she latched onto one side it was agonising and I just starting crying and feeling like crap and a failure.  I want to breastfeed for a bit longer yet, but it’s so painful!  I’ve been doing everything I can to help my nipple heal, even giving her formula sometimes, but they still end up damaged and we can’t afford to put her of formula full time.  Plus breastfeeding is free and convenient.

I’ve been very teary lately.  I was crying earlier, but can’t remember why now.  Oh, I remember why, it was because my baby is stressing me out with making nappy changes a big struggle and for some reason, this made me really upset.  So while I fed her I was sitting there with tears streaming down my face and thinking, I wish life was easier, I wish we had no money problems, I wish we could win lotto, I was I was happy and everything was just good.

I want to lose weight, but am having trouble with attempting to exercise as I’m always so tired.  I think I’d feel better if I was smaller.  Plus I have so many clothes I just don’t fit.

I really miss my family, as they all live elsewhere, like Australia, Nelson, Christchurch and Nelson.

It’s so hard when the only person I have to talk to about my issues, day, feelings is my partner.  I need someone else to vent to.  It not fair for him to be the only one I can talk to.  No-one from PND support has rung me for over a month!

Right that’s all for now.

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